Tuesday, November 22, 2011

In Through The Nose. Out Through The Mouth.

I am functioning.. I'm still alive. Still breathing.

I'm not entirely sure how much I can share right now so I'll just say this: Cael is gone for a bit again, he's also angry with me. Those two things aren't related in the sense most would assume but that's all I can say until I talk to him again and we figure out how much I'm allowed to share.  Suffice to say with him being angry with me I'm not very happy.. at all. Because of this and not wanting to let this blog go to hell I'm going to try doing the 30 Days Of Truth Meme. I'm not saying I'll do it every day or even answer every question but it should help me blog a bit more and give me something else to talk about besides Master and being upset.

Here is the list if you want to play along:

Day 01: Something you hate about yourself.
Day 02: Something you love about yourself.
Day 03: Something you have to forgive yourself for.
Day 04: Something you have to forgive someone for.
Day 05: Something you hope to do in your life.
Day 06: Something you hope you never have to do.
Day 07: Someone who has made your life worth living for.
Day 08: Someone who made your life hell, or treated you like shit.
Day 09: Someone you didn’t want to let go, but just drifted.
Day 10: Someone you need to let go, or wish you didn’t know.
Day 11: Something people seem to compliment you the most on.
Day 12: Something you never get compliments on.
Day 13: A band or artist that has gotten you through some tough ass days. (write a letter.)
Day 14: A hero that has let you down. (letter)
Day 15: Something or someone you couldn’t live without, because you’ve tried living without it.
Day 16: Someone or something you definitely could live without.
Day 17: A book you’ve read that changed your views on something.
Day 18: Your views on gay marriage.
Day 19: What do you think of religion- Or what do you think of politics-
Day 20: Your views on drugs and alcohol.
Day 21: (scenario) Your best friend is in a car accident and you two got into a fight an hour before. What do you do-
Day 22: Something you wish you hadn’t done in your life.
Day 23: Something you wish you had done in your life.
Day 24: Make a playlist to someone, and explain why you chose all the songs. (Just post the titles and artists and letter)
Day 25: The reason you believe you’re still alive today.
Day 26: Have you ever thought about giving up on life- If so, when and why-
Day 27: What’s the best thing going for you right now-
Day 28: What if you were pregnant or got someone pregnant, what would you do-
Day 29: Something you hope to change about yourself. And why.
Day 30: A letter to yourself, tell yourself EVERYTHING you love about yourself

Day 01: Something you hate about yourself.

There are several things I hate about myself but the one at the forefront of my mind right now is my picking. I have a tendency to pick and pester until I get answers with Cael. I need to learn and accept that he does listen to me, and he will take care of me and answer me in his own time. Not mine. He is the master after all. I've never had anybody actually follow through.. I don't understand it and it's hard to accept sometimes. So, maybe that's really the root of what I hate about myself. I hate that things have happened in my life that I'm letting impact Cael and I. We both have issues but I can work on fixing mine.. or at least lessening them. 

I've actually been looking around for a therapist or something to help me get over this because I seem to be stuck on my own with it. I am having very little luck in the small town I'm in. Though in all honesty, maybe this is the boot in the ass I needed. Gods know the last time he got mad at me it certainly changed everything. I still wish it didn't happen though.


  1. I know that finding a therapist can be a daunting thing. I've been there done that. It took me a while to finally settle on the therapist/shrink/what have you I wanted to see. I wish you luck in your search.

  2. My issue seems to be finding one at all right now. I need sliding scale payments and they don't seem to be the easiest to find. Plus most of the ones I have found no matter the payment are affiliated with a church in some way.

  3. Well that's annoying... I didn't realize that some therapists were affiliated with a church. I hope your luck with the search gets better.