Sunday, November 6, 2011

Coming Home

Well considering I'm posting and assuming you've read the title you've probably already guessed what the post is about. Cael is home.

Lets try that again.


That's more like it :)

When he first got home and text me, I'm not going to lie... I bawled. The day had been total shit. I had worked myself up into little bit of a frenzy due things happening on some of his accounts that shouldn't have been if he wasn't home. It had happened before but for some reason this one really sent me spinning. So I had text him and suddenly he was answering me saying he just got out the night before and his phone just turned on and he had no idea about what I was talking about. Turns out it was the person he left his computer with on his accounts that I now want to throat punch but I'm sure I'll get over that before I meet him :) Hopefully. The first thing he did was apologize for it and we talked a bit. Fairly superficial stuff because he wasn't ready to be out. The next few days I basically left him alone and he wanted left alone. So while I was happy he was home it wasn't much different than when he was gone. I kept myself busy. I did get a couple texts out of him but not a lot.

Today, I got his attention. Quite a lot of his attention actually. I love having his attention... I've always hated it with anybody else but I just soak it up with him. He claimed me, luffed me, and gave me a task to complete. He flexed his dominance and again, I soaked it up. He gave me a picture task. I had to take a picture of every toy I own in use. Normally I'd have balked at it, not wanted to do it, tried to subtly convince him out of it and take mercy on me. This time I just did it... and I had a smile on my face the whole time. We talked and joked and I got my cuddles and luffs and it just felt like coming home. Which is really stupid considering I didn't go anywhere. But as I've said before, Cael has become my home. When he's gone so is my home. So even though he's been home for a few days until we got to talk and reconnect I was still a little floaty. However, I knew better than to pick and beg and pester him. I know he isn't back to himself yet and doing that would not be helpful at all. Today though, he gave it to me anyways. All on his own and that means a hell of a lot more than almost anything else.

I'm so calm and happy. I haven't felt this way in months. Even though the time apart sucked really really badly and I hate seeing him like that, I think in the long run it may have been good. I seem to be more secure with him, and with my submission to him. There were times while he was gone that with the activity on his accounts I doubted if he really was in there. Every time though I'd always pull back into myself and us. Even when I could see things that would have led me to believe I was being lied to. I just... trusted. I waited and believed even if I did falter now and then. That is an astonishing amount of trust for anybody, but especially for me with B disappearing like that where he wouldn't talk to me but I could see activity on accounts. So for the trust and loyalty to be that strong that 99.9% of the time I was absolutely, entirely and completely trusting and believing even when it was so easy to have believed otherwise.. that's a big deal. I also learned that he's not going to forget me. For some reason that was a big thing for me.. I've never had a lot of self worth so I figured if we didn't talk or he wasn't here with me he'd forget about me. Not true. We went one month where we barely talked and then one month where we didn't talk at all and he still came back to me. He still luffs and I'm still owned and his. And that? That is the most reassuring thing of all.

Every face he made today, every time he laughed or smiled my entire chest would swell. This mix of luff and submission and trust and adoration would flare up and I'd happy wiggle and just want more of him. Of course, I've always been like that with him.  I've said it before and I'll say it again, I luff that man to fucking pieces.

Now, I'm off to send my nightly email to him, put on my cuffs for the first time in weeks and curl up into bed and watch movies and hopefully get to say goodnight to him. I can't think of a better way to end the best day I've had in a long time.

My little world? It's complete again. Mostly because he just happens to be my little world.

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