Saturday, October 22, 2011


Well, if you read my last post you know that yesterday was rough. Really fucking rough. It was the worst day I've had since Cael has been away.

I started out not bad in the morning, just a little touchy. By the time Sephi came home from work I was in full out fucking panic mode. I was shaky, I was getting cold and hot flashes, my stomach was upset to the point I was almost sick, and I was fighting tears back and losing. My head got going and I just dissolved. I became totally uncunted. She managed to calm me down a bit though. She shared with me something Cael had told her months ago about how he didn't want to be like B and worked to make sure I knew that. That right there? Helped a lot. Because in the end I think that is where most of this panic comes from. Sure having him gone is hard as fucking hell, but that pure terror that B planted in me is only making it worse. Especially since  they both kind of just went away. Some days that panic wells up and it feels the same. My logic always over rules me eventually because I KNOW Cael is not even close to the asshole that B was and would never do that to me sometimes that gets lost in the sea of panic. Sephi telling me that yesterday helped me find it again. It was terrifying. I have NEVER lost it this bad since he's been gone. This was the first time I really broke down and I think part of me needed that. I've been functioning on autopilot most of the time and maybe now that I've had the break down and had my logic over rules it it wont be as traumatic anymore. Hope is a sadistic bitch by the way :)

I seem to be doing better today. Not as manic. Since he's been gone I've been working a bit on my issues but I think I'm going to devote more attention to it. I'm not sure how exactly I plan to fix them but knowing they're there is a start. And I'll keep working them even when he comes out because they don't help either of us and they don't help us together. Lets face it, together is really the important thing here. It's what keeps me going. So, I'm off to do some cooking and some thinking. Which will of course be of him, no matter how hard I try not to it always circles back to him. Can't help it. I luff him to pieces :)

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