Wednesday, September 28, 2011

I Just Don't Know

I'm writing about this once. one time and that's all because I'm not sure I can handle writing it again.

As you all know Cael has been taking time to himself. The last year has been one huge horrible thing after another, some I've shared but most of it I haven't because it's private either between him and I or for him and I wouldn't and will not share those things. However, Cael has decided for various reasons that I agree with to check out for a while. He's checked himself into a hospital where he'll stay until he's doing better and able to be himself and function well again.  The only reason I'm sharing this is because I'm not sure how much I'm going to feel like writing. It may be sporadic until he returns.

And to answer the question I know I'm going to get :

No, we are not broken up. He's just taking time away to get himself together. I was his yesterday when he told me. Today when he's gone, and I will be his when he returns. All he said was that he can't claim me as his when he isn't even his right now, but I remain his and with him. I will not be leaving him even though he gave me the option of it. I'm staying and I'll support his decision to take time away. Yes, it will be hard. Some days it'll be really, really hard but he is worth and we are worth it. It's scary, but I'm trusting him and everything I know of him and what he's told me in the past. 

I've had people tell me to walk away... but I don't want to, ever. In an email kitten sent me.. she really solidified my thinking with the way I am with him. She gets it because she has the same connection with her master... it's strong and it's deep and it's consuming. But it's amazing and it's something I wouldn't trade for the world and I don't care what anybody else says. I've had people tell me to leave because he's gone right now... you don't walk away from the person you love (I'm not using luff there!) when things get hard and complicated for them. That's not love, love doesn't dissolve because of bad things, it's what pulls you through to the other side together. 

I'm not going to lie, when he told me I was a hot fucking mess and I have no doubt that I'll have days where I will be again. It's natural, especially since neither one of us is sure how long he'll be gone..which is part of why he gave me the out.. but I don't want it.

I'm his and I am staying that way, it's what I want more than anything else.

But this is hard, and I'm not sure how much I'm going to want to write.. it could be a lot or very little. I didn't want to just up and disappear though. I'm still here, still around. Still his.


  1. It's like I've always said, if you can't take the bad with the good, then you don't deserve the good times.