Friday, March 25, 2011

Sneaky Buggers

These posts keep sneaking up on me. I do one and then before I know it I have another one due and it's like I JUST wrote one. It's a good thing I checked or I wouldn't have posted tonight. Then I'd be in trouble... which again I'm sure I just did :D

Since I didn't expect to do a post tonight, I really don't have much to say.  I have however been working on one for a while so, tonight's the night it seems.
I was supposed to be better at this than I am. I'm not.

We're never supposed to disagree. We do.

He's supposed to be omnipotent. He's not.

I'm supposed to be horny all the time. I'm so totally not.

He doesn't always have the right answer or do the right thing or even know what to do. I often say and do the wrong thing, and think I know what he should be doing.

We're not independently wealthy, the kid didn't get a full scholarship and wants to go anyway, the medical bills never end, the job market sucks, he gets called in to work at all hours of the day and night, I'm not an amazing cook nor am I champion coupon clipper, the septic tank needs pumped, he plays D&D, the cat puked on the carpet-

I'm on medicine that gives me headaches and fucks with my sexual function. He's getting arthritis in his knees and shoulder.

I seem to think I can quit "this" when it gets too hard. And it scares the shit out of me that he lets me.

And that's just the short list. ;-)

Kaya wrote this on a fetlife thread about reality. If you've been reading here lately you know I've had my own dose of reality lately and am in for another one when I move up with Cael. Reading this comment gave me a moment of "Yeah! Why can't more people get that?!"

I've been talking to a few new subs that came into this having watched a movie or read a book and expected this life of slavery/property to be sensuous, loving, sexy and one long constant "scene." I've even read a post or two in various places from subs about expecting things to be perfect within two weeks of moving in with their owner (and this is assuming there weren't any huge life changes involved such as divorce, moving across the country, giving up jobs,family and friends, etc.) and are pissed and disillusioned when it's not what they expect. Two. Fucking. Weeks. I even read one the other day where a sub was having a hissy fit because her Dom dared to punish her. Really? How rude!  I try to be nice. I really truly do. But I think we all know how that ends. Which, is part of why I don't comment on fetlife, or other BDSM thread like discussions... people have got their heads so far up their asses they have created a permanent rectal cranial inversion *nods*.

I am by no means perfect. I fuck up. Want proof? Scroll down a post or two. But some of it is truly amazing. Now, to address Kaya's comment I am going to take it a piece at a time. I've been procrastinating on writing this because there is soo much I want to say and I just keep thinking of more. So to avoid a nonsensical ramble this is how it will work. Don't worry, you'll get the ramble at the end. I seen the worry.
I was supposed to be better at this than I am. I'm not.

We're never supposed to disagree. We do.

He's supposed to be omnipotent. He's not.

First..if you've read Kaya's blog you know damn well that she's pretty damn amazing. BUT.. that statement is soo true for everybody. We're all supposed to be these invincible perfect robot people. Slaves are to never ever disobey or disagree and dominants must at all times be dominant and in control. Lies. Pretty, would be wonderful lies. But lies. Cael and I disagree. We haven't had a straight out fight yet and we've known each other about 4 years. One of us always ends up feeling bad and apologizing before it ever gets that far or we've managed to keep it civil and talking not yelling and getting really angry. I have no doubt in my mind it'll happen. Especially for the first while after I move when we're adjusting, but we do disagree. One tick against me for slub of the year.

I'm also not good at this some times. I can stand proudly and slightly under the bus with Kaya on this one. In fact, sometimes I down right fucking suck at this. Sometimes I want to give the orders and decide what he is going to do or what we are going to do. Sometimes he pisses me off and I stomp my foot at him. Sometimes him having final say on everything, and me just being along for the ride is scary. I'm moving to a huge city... I currently live in a small town hours away. I'm leaving everything I now for him, I will be entirely dependent on him.. I don't drive, I wont know anybody. It's scary and some days I want to dig my heels in and say fuck this I want something fair! But those moments pass. Sometimes they last a week sometimes they last a minute.

For the most part Cael is in control. He's so deep in my head I do things and don't know why I've done them until I talk to him later. I am incapable of lieing to him. I am incapable of leaving. I don't even have the slightest desire to do it, even with the fear that creeps in sometimes. While all of that is true... I've still misbehaved. I know my rules, and some days I just don't follow them. I totally rat myself out but it still happens. Because. Kaya is right. They are not omnipotent. No matter how deep they are in our heads, no matter how enslaved we are there are times were we stray from their path. It's never long before we're back on it but it happens. And when it does... it's eye opening in that. I mean.. they rule all right? I'm sure that's what I was told at initiation.

I'm leaving the horny comment alone because I'm easily seduced and overpowered.
He doesn't always have the right answer or do the right thing or even know what to do. I often say and do the wrong thing, and think I know what he should be doing.

I am absolutely guilty of looking up to Cael for answers. They aren't always right... and indeed there are times where he doesn't have one. But for me, not asking when I'm unsure seems wrong. Hell, even when I'm sure what I want to do I still ask him. If he gives an answer different from mine then I let him know what I was thinking. Sometimes he agrees with, sometimes I get told I'm doing it his way. If it's the wrong answer then it's wrong and we fix it. At the end of the day he is still human...domly type or not. I've never had him on the Massteh Pedestal that some subs put their dominants on. I've known him too long and know him too well. Neither one of us is perfect...making mistakes in general and with each other is going to happen. It's not a reason to back out of everything to me. I've seen subs leave their dominant because he got a cold. That's a damn high pedestal.

As far as me saying the wrong thing and thinking I'm right... fairly constantly. I mean really.. Have you read here?!
We're not independently wealthy, the kid didn't get a full scholarship and wants to go anyway, the medical bills never end, the job market sucks, he gets called in to work at all hours of the day and night, I'm not an amazing cook nor am I champion coupon clipper, the septic tank needs pumped, he plays D&D, the cat puked on the carpet-

Everyday life reality. It's a special kind of bitch isn't it? I am over weight. I'm hiding from Cael until I can lose some of that weight. I'm asthmatic, and it constantly fucks with me. I'm struggling with motivation to finish my courses. I am unhappy living where I am without Cael. See point 2. I can't move up with Cael because there is no space where he currently is. Caels spent many many MANY days in the hospital for everything from a broken arm to bleeding in his brain.  And you know what? I'm sure if I looked hard enough in the basement I'd find cat puke too! Joys of an unfinished mess of a basement that one.
I seem to think I can quit "this" when it gets too hard. And it scares the shit out of me that he lets me.

This. THIS. I've told Cael I could do vanilla. He laughs at me and calls BS. He's right... but if he ever did just let me quit.. I'd be fucking lost. At the base of our relationship is the M/s dynamic... taking that out... I wouldn't know how to respond to him. At all. I naturally ask permission for things. And don't even get me started on vanilla sex. -.-

I've done the vanilla thing. It is WAY too much work for me. The end.

So really, Cael and I are fairly reality based with all of this. And I think that is why it gets so intense or scary when you realize you're going down this path and you aren't in charge. You aren't driving. The passenger seat can be a scary place even when you know it's what you want, and where you belong. I honestly couldn't imagine going down this no real limits path that I'm on without having a grasp on reality. Yes it sucks but without it we'd all be walking around with our heads up our asses and lets face it... it can't be easy to walk like that.

 

EDIT:  Comment From Cael :   "I read it. It's funny that you only said 1 point against slub of the year :) "

Such a sweet guy.

2 comments:

  1. I absolutely think the award should be changed to "Best Un-sub of the Year", cuz, we'd totally win. ;-)

    ReplyDelete
  2. Wait....we can change the award?! We can do that!?

    Oh wow. This is like the time I found out we could deny them sex.

    Almost better even.

    ReplyDelete