Wednesday, November 17, 2010

I Don't Have Wings So Flying With Me Wont Be Easy

*headdesk*  *headdesk*  *HEADDESK*  *HEADFUCKINGDESK*

Remember how I said that Cael has gotten his dominant back and I was excited about it? Good. Because I am. I'm ecstatic about it, I'm actually much happier than I've been in about a year with just the little hints of dominance that he's added back and shown.

However, there is still a missing element here. The play. Not physical but still fun, still enjoyed, still craved (though in all fairness that craving tends to be directed towards him in general but play is part of it.).

The play hasn't happened in, pretty much a long time. And I'm frustrated. Shitty part is, I'm not even frustrated with him. It's not him or his fault, yet when things came to a screeching halt tonight I still got snippy with him. I got frustrated and my first reaction was to just close down. I believe my exact words were "Okay. Sorry."  followed by "Goodnight." That lasted all of about 5 minutes after he sent his goodnight text. I sent a tiny brief explanation of my reaction and a proper goodnight. There was just no way I could leave it like it was. I couldn't. I felt bad, and I felt sorry, and to be honest I teared up(partly my unwarranted response, partly frustration, partly the way he handled it and me(not that he handled it badly because he didn't. Mostly because he's about the only person I've found that can actually handle me no matter what mood I get into(as of yet) he doesn't have to do much to get me to crack, open up, etc and can say things to me without pissing me off that would normally flip that little anger switch. Today it struck pretty hard. One of those odd little realizations. ) and a very large part due to the time of month it is.) (Also, I may or may not be the parentheses queen.) and needed to correct it. It really doesn't sound like much, me just being a little short with him is what most people would see. And they are right to an extent. But it bugs me.  He is the one person that I talk to about anything and everything. He pretty much means the world to me... so, I see me doing these things to somebody I really don't want to. Somebody that doesn't deserve them. It's not a huge deal and I get that. It wasn't a fight, it's not even something that we need to talk about and work through. It was a poor reaction, and in general a minor one. If I had upset him and that had been my response... then okay, I'd leave it... I'd be shrinking down into my shell until he told me it was okay, so I would be brief and wait. It was the tone, and the reason for the response that made me tuck my tail between my legs and crawl back to fix it. It's not something I can personally justify saying to him or how I want to treat him.

The reason I'm frustrated? Because he can dominate me, he can say jump and I'd ask how high,  he has pretty much every part of me. But we can't play. It's been like that for over a year now, there has been a wall there that we can't get around and it's frustrating as fuck. And I totally hold half the reasons for this too. In fact, I started it. I put up that damn wall. As I've said before, he is completely inside my bubble, pretty much the inner bubble that I don't let anybody into (It's fuckin squishy!) yet that wall has managed to hang on. It went up when I started with B. I wasn't allowed to play with other people, and B never really liked Cael much to begin with (totally getting why now ha. ) so the wall was put up so nothing sexual happened. Then B left, and after a while that wall crumbled a bit. We found a way through it. Then other things happened, on his part and mine and that wall got put back up. We're slowly taking it down brick by brick... but some days I really wish we could take a wrecking ball to that thing. Tonight was one of those and I responded badly and for that I am sorry.

So why am I writing this? Because he's asleep and I can't say all these things to him right now, and I needed to get it out, get it straight in my own head. I needed to apologize and I can't do it directly yet, but if I didn't get it out somewhere I wouldn't have slept. And? Because it's hard to say all of that over text :).  Now, if you'll excuse me I have some bricks to take down.

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