Sunday, January 30, 2011

A Sephi Induced Rambling

This morning I woke up, curled up in my chair and pulled my computer in my lap. Normally I make breakfast, shower, feed animals, etc. Today I'm feeling lazy, and somebody else fed the animals so I'm free to do it. When I logged on to my messenger Sephi commented on my being on early..which led to an explanation about my laziness and the fact that I was distracting myself so I wouldn't text Cael. He went out last night and I'd bet good money that he will at least sleep in, ...more likely is a hang over but I'm giving credit. *nods*  Sephi told me that I'm "too kind." It made me stop and think.... yes, that is all it takes.


In general unless I have met you and decided I like you... I'm not that kind. I'm polite....or I try to be (Some people just don't allow it I tell ya). However,... that is as far as it goes and you can bet 90% of the time it isn't sincere. If I do not know somebody and like the end... they just don't register for me. Is it a sign of coldness on my part? Maybe, probably. But as I've said before I am very picky about the people I let in to my life, if I don't let somebody in or know them at all... they aren't part of my life they don't hold value to me(To ME, not to everyone). That is where the coldness comes in again.. if they don't hold value to me then they don't matter to me... so what they do, what happens, etc. doesn't tend to affect me at all in any way. I'm not one of those people who will cry because somebody I met once or is close to somebody I know has died.


Which brings me to people I know. There are stages there. Different bubbles for each stage. Some of my friends I hold pretty close, others I don't. I have three bubbles. One keeps everybody out I don't want in. Once in that bubble then I am more caring, more kind. That's where most of my family and friends reside... though some of them never made it fully through the bubble and  stuck in-between. They're there... but most of them time I tolerate them rather than enjoy them... Conversations sometimes make me want to tell them to suck it the fuck up and be a grown up. It would affect me if something happened to them but not in a huge, earth shattering way. In the second bubble.. It's almost always empty because normally by the time a person has made it through the first they've pissed me off and been kicked out of the bubble. That's where Sephi, Lady Di, my Mom and Chris live. They're more important. They get more consideration, more kindness. They irritate me less if at all. Then there is the third bubble. My personal bubble. I've talked about this bubble before a long time ago when I said B had invaded that bubble... and that's honestly how it felt like I was being invaded...and even in some ways violated...he shouldn't have been in there and yet he had pushed and popped bubbles until he was. (Which is probably why I never really felt comfortable with him, secure with him). At the time I fought and pretended that it was alright... that it was comfortable... and it wasn't no matter how much I wanted it to be. When he left... the bubble wasn't constricting anymore... it was comfortable and right again. In the last year since he's been gone I've realized something...part of why that bubble was so tight is there was three of us in there, I just didn't realize it. You see, Cael is part ninja... I'm sure of it. He has been in that bubble a long time...and in the last year he's gotten more comfy in there. I'm fairly certain there's a big fluffy chair, a tv and a game system of some sort in there somewhere. And Sephi is right... I am more kind to him than anybody else. He gets more consideration, more of my time... a lot more of my time. I go anywhere, I take my phone.... he's an ever-present with me.  I am very different with him than I am with anybody else. He gets more of me and sees more of me. Granted I have told him to pull his head out of his ass a time or two... but he's never annoyed me, ...other than the teasing (seriously... I now have a picture of him in the bath. My concentration went right the fuck out the door when he sent it.) He has literally gotten under my skin and in my head in ways that neither of us anticipated. In ways that should concern me... but it doesn't at all... I'm comfortable and happy and want more of it. I love the control he has. I don't fight his control at all. I fought B's, I would say I was doing one thing that I was supposed to and I'd do another... he didn't have the control ever, even when I begged him to take it. Cael just took it... he gets different responses from me and I am definitely nicer to him.


Each bubble gets a different bit of me... more of me as it goes. So, maybe it's not that I'm too kind to him...I've been brain wormed *nods*

No comments:

Post a Comment