Thursday, January 5, 2012

Naked & Vulnerable 2012

2011 was a really, really hard year. Both emotionally, and mentally. I don't think I need to rehash everything that happened in the last year, both with cael and myself individually and together. 2011 was a year of falling apart, 2012 is the year for rebuilding. At least that's what I'm going with.

Side Note:

I'm not going to lie to you all,  I am absolutely going to overlook the Cael aspect in this post because to be honest, that is how I am functioning. I can't stop and think about what is happening to him and what he's going through because it tears me apart. It's really hard seeing somebody you love in the state that he's in both with the surgeries and with personal issues. I also can't go into a lot of detail as far as he's concerned because he is very private and I don't want to take that away from him. So, I may end up mentioning him, and including some things about him but they wont be the big things. They wont be in detail. I have entirely too much respect and love for him to break him apart and lay him bare here as I am about to do to myself.

I think if you've been reading here very long you'll have gathered a few things about me. However, whether or not you've figured out I have an eating disorder is totally up for debate. I don't think I've mentioned it. In fact, I think I have intentionally steered away from it and twisted things a bit so that it didn't show that. I have a mix of Compulsive Overeating, and the occasional binge eating disorders. And yet, it's not so cut and dry.  Compulsive implies the knowledge of doing something, the urge to do it. And sometimes, that is totally there. Other times I don't even realize it's happening until it's too late and I'm consumed in it.

I spent years trapped in those cycles... I ate at night a lot because I was shamed into it. It was nothing for people around me to say things like "Don't eat that, it puts weight on you"  "You're eating again?"  "Wow, I don't know how you can eat that much!"  All of this occurred when I was around 13 or 14 years old. I know now that it doesn't matter what gender you are, at that age you eat a lot.. you're in a growth spurt. It happens. At the time though? All those comments hurt. All those comments made me regulate what I ate in front of people and wait until everybody else was in bed to really eat. I'd wait until one in the morning to wake up and make a meal. I'd hide food. Hell, even today I have trouble eating in front of people. As the years went on it just got worse. I developed eating disorders. I gained weight, because I don't have the need to purge. I was out of control and didn't know it.

Then Cael became my owner and I suddenly had rules for my food. It was hard but it worked. I regulated what I ate because I KNEW I had to send a run down of it all to him. There were times where I'd have a flare up and I wouldn't send my nightly emails because I didn't want to admit what was happening. Though admittedly that was more tied to exercise because I didn't understand the issues I was having. At the time I was completely in denial about what was happening, it's just been the last couple weeks that I've really seen it and recognized what was going on. Cael knew I had issues but I don't think he knew how deep they were.. or more likely he did know and was just waiting for me to see it. He does that a lot. He knows me well. Thing is, he really did help me get it under control by doing nothing but being there for me.. being present. When he took the rules away from me in June/July it didn't really phase me as far as the disorders were concerned because I still sent the emails. By then I had a good grip on it. I was in control, the disorder wasn't. I had never felt that before.. never been the one in control. Don't get me wrong, it was a struggle to get on top of this. I had nights where I'd be sitting in my room like I would before and get up to go get food. I'd get out to the kitchen, pick something up and talk myself out of it because I didn't need it, or because Cael would be disappointed. I had days where I lost control anyways.. when those days happened I told him what I ate but I didn't write down the amount because it hurt. I got better and it got easier as it went on but it remains one of the hardest things I've ever done.

Along the way I learned... I learned that I ate less when I ate healthier. I ate even less when I consumed more protein. I learned that a lot of dairy products actually make me sick. I learned that any carbonated beverage makes me feel like shit. I dropped 30 pounds since Cael became my owner.

Cue all the bad shit that's happened. Cue me getting cocky about my eating. I've been doing well for a good six months. Six months! Six months with no over eating, with no urges to binge. Six months where I could eat a tiny bit of junk now and then and not gain weight. That is huge! I've clearly got this beat.



Thing is, this can sneak up on you. An extra bite here, another helping there. Nothing that seems too big. Then suddenly, I'm out of control again. More accurately I have no control. I stopped worrying because I thought I was okay. I have gained back eight pounds. For the first few weeks I didn't even know it was happening. It's not like a drug addiction where you have to seek out that which you are addicted to. You have to make the choice. Food addiction is different. You can't just stop eating. You can't decide "Okay, I'm done with this" because you deal with it every day. You have to eat, who notices a few extra bites? Problem is, once you have those few extra bites you get carried away and don't notice. At least I didn't. Not until it was too late. Not until I was too far down to even see the top anymore. It is an addiction. It's always there waiting for you to slip up and go back into old patterns. I have a friend, and I love her to death but she doesn't get it. She tells me she doesn't understand why I can't just make the choice not to let it control me. For me,it's not that simple. I know her, and I know her counter would be that she has some of the same issues I do, and an addictive personality and she got on top of it and it's a choice for her. It's hard because even the people closest to me don't understand. I have another friend, and he's been addicted to drugs and alcohol since I can remember. I have family that have addictive personalities. I've watched both of these people go through their own detox from their addictions. And I've noticed something. People with addictive personalities seem to be able to let go of their addictions easier than people with just a standard addiction. They find another addiction to replace the previous one with. Some of them are positive like knitting, or drawing, or painting. Some of them turn to smoking and so on. The people without the addictive personality have nothing to ease that transition, especially when it's something they have to deal with everyday. I'm not saying people with addictive personalities have it easy, or that it isn't hard for them to quit, but from what I've seen on several occasions it is a little easier for them and they don't understand how it can be different. So, addictive personalities are in my family and in my friends.. so I can't really talk to them because well intentioned or not, it just stabs everything a little deeper, or they just don't get it. So, talking to somebody with just a run of the mill addiction would right? Yeah. No. Because this isn't drugs, or alcohol or cigarettes. It's food. Most people think food addiction and eating disorders are bullshit and just in your head and if you can make your mind up about it then it's gone.

So, most of the time I don't say anything. I'll occasionally reach out for help. A diet and exercise partner, somebody to talk to. Aside from Cael and a friend who I'll call James (no reason really, I just don't think I've called anybody that on here before) who never dismisses me, most of the time nobody is really interested. I don't ask for help well, at all, ever. I'm not going to come out and say "I'm drowning and I don't know how to stop this," so I ask for little things. Truth be told, even that is becoming rare lately because it's rarely met with any help no matter who I seem to ask, then I just feel lonely and abandoned and like I'm being swallowed alive by this disorder. I'm working my ass off to get on top of this thing again and so far, it's not working. I'm still sending my nightly emails, Cael knows where I am with this. But he can't help right now and honestly, I don't expect him too. I know what he's going through is way more serious and takes precedence for him.. and for me as well. I don't blame him at all, that is not what this is. This is just a brain dump. This is me finally saying out loud that I'm fucked up, and I know it, and for the first time I finally recognize and accept it. I'm hoping with having said all of this, having admitted to myself after all this time will help me be able to over come it, or at least be in control again.

I know now that this will always be the wolf on my doorstep waiting to tear me apart. I thought I'd slain the wolf. I didn't. He just came back bigger and more in face this time. Not content to sit outside the door waiting for me to slip up and open that door for him. No. This time he's slamming himself against that rickety door. I can hear the hinges creaking, the door rattling and the frame splintering. There are holes in that door now, he has a hold of me. It's just rebuilding that door while he's trying to tear my arm off that's the hard part.


  1. I have an addictive personality. And you are very right. I go from thing to thing, replacing bad habits with 'good' ones and back again. For me it is mostly games. Cards games, board games, role playing games, video games. Anything to keep me entertained. It is very easy for me to pretend and even believe that I have no problem at all. Over the years the amount of evidence has piled up against me and now with closets and shelves filled with proof I really have to admit I have it easy compared to those, like you, who have to hide from others do to criticism and judgment.

    Fuck those fucking fucks, is what I have to say.

    Admitting your issue and talking about it is a huge step, and can be a large burden lifted. I am not saying it is, but it can be. Find people that listen, truly listen and know that you can at least trust them.

  2. And this is why I told you, you weren't one of them :)