Wednesday, May 12, 2010

Ring Around The Rosie

If you don't want to hear a rant or a fuck me sideways post I suggest skipping this one.

Chris came over today. It was fun, we watched The Big Bang Theory and The Love Guru and went walking and talked a lot. He spent most of the day here. It was nice. I had something to occupy my mind most of the time. About half way through TLG I ended up giving him my phone. I think and then I text... I didn't want to text so I gave it to him.

Later when he left we were texting and I jokingly said that I'd be getting drunk and finding a boy to play with at my uncles wedding. Considering I don't do casual play and don't drink much it was obviously a joke. He thought I meant I wanted to sleep with him and sent a "We're just friends text" It got awkward after that and he hasn't answered a text in a few hours. There was a time where it wasn't just friends. We text not so friendly things and the thought of dating was always there but one or the other of us would be sucked in by somebody else. So honestly, even though it was a joke and not pertaining to him... the comment kinda made me step back a bit. I didn't realize that door was completely closed but I guess it is. I guess I just thought that if the relationship didn't work out with B that somewhere along the line Chris and I would try, it was always thought by both of us that if we were both single at the same time we would try... the thought of that being gone kinda stings a little.

Turns out I wont be finishing my schooling this year. My advisor thinks that my load is too much to make it so I'm off the list and will be doing more next year. I was so looking forward to being done, to moving on... not happening.

I am having a bitch of a time finding clothing that fits and flatters me. I need something for the wedding... I hate clothes shopping. My self-esteem plummets with each new piece of clothing.  I'd wait and pray I lose weight but I can't wait long considering how long it takes me to find anything I like. I go clothes shopping and I get bitchy and upset almost instantly.

Part of why I haven't been posting as much as I used to is.. I really have nothing good to say. The last 3 months have been kick in the throat after kick in the gut over and over.... wash rinse repeat. Hospitals, unsure future, unsure present really, no B, colds, friends, schooling, weight, fights, unhelpful "helpful /concerned" comments, family drama, etc.  I'm tired guys. Tired of the shitstorm. I function well, thrive... but shitstorm after shitstorm wears a person down. I'm about as flattened and smoothed out as I can be.

Honestly, I'm scared. Scared that B and I are done, scared that I have to deal with yet another shit storm, scared that this one is really going to hurt, scared that I'm not wanted anywhere else, .... there are so many things and I know nobody wants to hear me whine so I try not to blog about it. But tonight, I just can't help it. Everybody breaks sometimes... apparently I've cracked a little.

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