Friday, December 31, 2010

Idle Chatter

First of all, it's been a while since I posted. I know this. However, I am still sick. Yeah. Several months now. If I'm not dramatically better by monday I'm going back to the doctor.

Considering I've been so sick my energy levels are pretty much nil. My days have consisted of showers, medicine, talking to Cael and on occasion talking to Sephi. Which means I have had a lot of time to sit and think, to talk with Cael, to read and to sit and stare at things for hours on end and completely zone out. Since I have nothing going on, I'm going to ramble-write about the things I've thought of in the last while.

  • I was talking with a friend of mine a while ago and he mentioned that his girlfriend was upset about a lack of intimacy in their relationship. When I asked him what he thought his response was they "have sex regularly and always cuddle after" which to me explained a lot. I don't really see sex and cuddling as the only things in a relationship that create intimacy or are intimate. You can have sex that has no intimacy, same with cuddling. To me, intimacy is something that you build. It comes from being completely open with each other. Letting the other person in to the point that they know all the secrets, all the dark scary things inside you. They know the real YOU not the you that you let your friends see, or the you that you put on for others. The you that only you yourself get. It comes from thousands of small touches. A back rub, hand holding, any touching that is done just because you want to touch the person, that's done not for the purpose of sex but because you can't not touch him sometimes. It comes from the hundreds of silly little jokes, comments or moments that are shared.

  • Over christmas on the 1 day (literally one day) that I was feeling better I watched the way some of the people around me reacted and treated each other. One of the things I noticed was how some people don't treat the person that they're married to or dating any different than they treat their friends or other family members. They don't differentiate be it because they call everybody pet names and are (or pretend) they're as sweet as honey or they're distant and cold towards everybody. That? would drive me insane. Yes, I like to be treated differently by that one person than they treat others but! it would bother me more to treat that one person the same. It really would. Depending on who I'm around... I can be pretty damn cold, closed off or sarcasm based. Treating that one person like that isn't something I could. I naturally treat them differently. Even now with Cael, I treat him differently. He may not be here, but he gets more attention, consideration, caring, etc than most people do from me. Which leads me to my next point.

  • Comfort. I ended up having to go to two different christmas celebration. One at each grandparents house. When I went to my dads family I spent a while picking out my clothes, a while showering, doing my makeup( though part of that was to piss off people who I don't care for) etc. When I went to my mother's family... I showered and got dressed. No preparation, no concern, no makeup. I'm comfortable there. While I am more comfortable with the people there, that wasn't it entirely. I'm just more comfortable there in general, even more myself. (Now to connect the two points) When I noticed this I started thinking about guys I've been with and my comfort level with them. While B was the one my comfort level was best with up to that point... it wasn't entirely comfortable. I still felt the need to hide, emotionally and physically. He was in my head to an extent... but he didn't dig and I didn't open up. Almost a year out of it and I can see a wall there when I look back that I didn't see when I was in the situation. This of course lead me to think about Cael (You all as shocked as I am?). There is no wall there, (or what little remains of one is dissolving) he is pretty deep in my head. He knows things that others don't. I sent him pictures that I refused to send B even after we had sex. I've told him things and then paused because they were things I hadn't even fully admitted to myself yet. When I got upset on Christmas he was the first place I went. And all it took was an "Aww" to make me feel a bit better. I wasn't looking for help or reassurance, I just wanted understanding and somewhere to cuddle up for a while. He's exceedingly good at reading me, it's scary sometimes I'm just more comfortable with him on a lot of levels.



And now, because I'm exhausted..Merry Christmas, Happy New Year, rah rah rah!

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