Tuesday, December 14, 2010
I'm starting off by saying I'm still sick, and I'm exhausted so chances are this post will be rambly and not at all cohesive.
Remember how a while ago I was so into getting Caels help with my diet? Remember how I even looked forward to it? Remember that saying about being careful what you wished for? Needless to say, I wasn't on top of shit and Cael is now helping me. I have diet rules. I have diet consequences. I lose touching privileges, the more I fall off the wagon... the longer I'm not allowed to touch him. Teh fucker? He knows me. And while I technically can't physically touch him right now, I still do little things over text. Little touches, little gropes, things his whim at the time lets me get away with it. That wouldn't be allowed. That? Would drive me up the wall. In person it would be worse, I'd probably even tear up a little bit. Especially if it was for quite a while. He thought this through he did *glares*
This venture of diet rules are definitely different from those I had with B. With B, I had a set amount of calories for each meal, I had to ask him if I could eat or drink anything other than water, and several other things. With Cael? I have consequences and him checking up on me. That's it. Oddly enough, I think this will be more successful. Yes I lost weight with B... but I didn't listen to him. I did what I wanted, ate what I wanted... because half the time he was too busy to read the texts let alone answer them and when he did... I didn't listen to what he told me. Plus, what did I learn other than that I could lie to him and that he could be Hitler-esque when he wanted to be. The way it was set up... I didn't learn how to keep things going because while I ate healthy... it wasn't a lifestyle change, it was doing what he said when I wanted. With Cael it's totally on me, I need to come up with a plan, I need to stick with it, I need to learn what's working and what's not... and if I fuck up... I have to go to him with it. And unlike with B... I know something will be done about it. Cael has never not followed through on a punishment once he said there would be one. With B... I did what I wanted because he didn't stop me, he didn't punish me, he didn't talk to me about it. He just let it go. So, I'll probably be successful with this because I do have a supportive base that's going to keep me on track.... once this set in the other night, I got scared. We basically ruled it down to me being scared that I'll fail him and he'll disappear and me being scared the he actually follows through on punishments. I've never had that before. The fear subsided almost instantly but it was odd.
During the moment of panic Cael asked if I was maybe scared that he'd fail me as a dominant. That actually made me stop and smile. I personally don't think it's possible. Not because I've put him up on pedestal and think he's perfect and it just isn't possible with him. In general... I don't think it's really possible for a dominant to fail you unless you put them on that pedestal. (This is assuming that the person is actually a dominant and not just somebody that likes to boss you around on occasion and have rough sex. Don't know who I could be referring to!! *blinks innocently*) I know that he isn't perfect, that he's going to get sick, that he's not going to be dominant and leading me every second of every day, I know that there will be mistakes with me and in general. I don't see that as him as a dominant failing.I see that as a normal progression of a relationship. Nobody is perfectly suited for somebody all the time. Its how a relationship grows. *Shrugs* I personally see the "My dominant failed me" statements to be immature and pointless.
Now, as I've gotten off track... The reason Cael is using lack of touch as a punishment is because he knows that will affect me the most. I see the touching as a vital thing with people (Of my choosing!) when you're with them. Not touching for any reason other than to get to sex, or having every touch turn into sex... it's missing something, robbing the relationship of something. It just is. Those little touching, caresses, innocent "I just want to touch you" brushes or cuddles, they help cement things in relationships. They add a level of intimacy, comfort, contentment and even happiness that the sex alone wont. I value those things quite a bit. If you add that to my texture junky status... I like to touch. Not enough to be clingy (Despite what SOME people think. I think it's just because this person hasn't had that before that they view it as clingy)... I don't follow the person around(I've seen a girl follow a guy to the bathroom and stand at the door with her hand on the doorknob until he came out....THAT is clingy) or have to be touching them every second, but I still enjoy it. Thus, taking it away would get an immediate response. Smert man.
Now, I'd like to tell you about Bob and Kathy. The easiest way to do this is to share with you a conversation I had with Lady Di.
Lady Di : So what is it you were going to tell me?
Serene : OH! Remember how I couldn't find a pair of my panties? I've figured it out.
Lady Di : Oh?
Serene : Yep. It's Bobs fault. Because you see, the way I figure it the only way I could have lost them is if I was having crazy sex and they got flung somewhere. BUT!! If I'm having sex... chances are I will be playing both parties. So I think it's bobs fault. Kathy pays attention to where that shit ends up... Bob just flings without a care.
Lady Di laughs to the point of almost needing to pull over the car : That does make sense. Hey! Maybe it was Bob who moved those boxes! We'll have to check to see if Serenes panties are in my box. I've had problems with panties in my ass... but never in my box.
That right there? That's why I like Lady Di so much. Then apparently Bob spread. My mom and Lady Di work together. As my mom was walking by Lady Di she heard her say "Damn it! Bob must have been in here!" (where she was working somebody had made a mess of the area) And then they went off on a tangent about Bob. Poor Bob.
Hmm, what else?Oh! Caels present for me should be here on the 21st!!! I'm not allowed to open it until christmas eve... and I got one hint.. it's waterproof. Tease.
Posted by Serene at 10:29 AM