Thursday, October 28, 2010


(Before I write this, I know this is going to sound totally selfish... but it is not meant as such. It really isn't. I know how much the people actually in this situation are hurting, I've had multiple trips to the hospital with people I care for because of various things, some of them the same. So I get it, but I am not in it right now. I'm not meaning to take away from that at all, but being on the outside I can only write what I know and feel. )

I'm sure all of you out there are thinking that me being center... a little askew, is normal. Well it is generally, but this is a different kind of off-balance.  If any of you have read Caels blog today (which you should have, I sent you all over there. ...because clearly everyone listens to me. See that? Sarcasm thick enough to walk on.) you'll know that he's having a hard time. As any, slaves, subs, slubs, and owned beings can tell you.. when the one in charge is having a hard time... so do they. They want to fix it, want to make it easier, so on and so forth.

Turns out, I am absolutely no different. (So nice to be normal for once.) It is day two of the badness, and while I'm not in it... I'm feeling it. I can count the number of texts I've gotten from Cael on one hand. I'm not complaining about, I know he has a lot on his mind, a lot he's doing and I am trying my absolute hardest to just stay out-of-the-way and be there when he needs me. However, that means not talking to him a lot right now. This is somebody  I talk to on a daily basis for hours at a time, I completely miss him. In the last couple days his ownership has been cemented pretty damn well. I rarely miss people. I can go weeks, sometimes months without talking to people and not even notice until something triggers it. I'm noticing.

On the other end of the spectrum... I have those slub feelings( slub is a mix of slave and sub that Sephi and I came up best describes us) that are niggling at me all day telling me I should be up there for him. Doing what? I have no idea. There is nothing I can do other than be around for him, and every single part of me wants to be there for him. They're those stupid little tugs on your mind that make you want to cook, or cuddle, clean, or anything you can think of that might make things the tiniest bit better, easier, or sometimes have no affect at all.  And yet, I can't get up there, I can't be there for him other than over the phone when he decides he needs it and I wont lie... it feels like hell. I'm actually teared up right now because I can't go do these stupid little things even though they would probably go unnoticed right now.

So, I feel unbalanced right now. Yes I miss Cael, but I think most of it is that the slub in me has finally found something that the pain in the ass in me agrees with, the need to help,take care,make things easier on Cael. The slub has won the fuck out. So if any of you see somebody walking around leaning to one side? It's probably me, feel free to bump into me and try to get the slub to get the fuck back on her own side... she's weighing the other one down. (I'm not serious... please don't go around bumping into people... or  don't tell them I told you to do it. )

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