Monday, October 25, 2010

A Time Of Discovery

The last little while I've had things pointed out to me, or realized things for myself. They aren't specific to me, to M/s or to anything else. They're really a mixed a bag and it's got me thinking about other things that I may have missed. Normally I don't miss much, but as most of you know the last few months I haven't really been feeling like myself either. Part of this is what happened with B, part of it is losing myself in B and having to regain it back, more of it though... has just faded and drifted away in a wash of all the shit that's been happening lately, and years before I even started this blog as well. I'm definitely still here, the pieces are coming back... but it's a slow process. It's a really morbid, and exhausting easter egg hunt, where instead of eggs you look for pieces of yourself. While situations have made me lose pieces... I've also let them go instead of fighting to keep them. Battle fatigue, I suppose. The point of this is to say that I'm finding myself, and this is leading to discoveries elsewhere.

Before I get into the discoveries I will explain the last couple of days, mostly because without the questions I was peppered with occasionally I probably wouldn't have seen some of what I learned. Like Sephi told me "He leads you to the answer but lets you turn on the light yourself" A paraphrase but it captures what she meant. Lately I've been talking a lot with Sephi's Master who on this blog will be Karson (I can't very well call him what Sephi does, sorry if this confuses anybody... you'll get there *nods*) I've been talking with him because Sephi gets busy or he just decides he's going to talk to me. He be the Domly one over there. In the few conversations that we've had he's asked questions and has made me think about things I hadn't before, or in effect led me to the lightbulb. I suspect strongly that he just stumbles onto these things.

Now that I have explained that, on to the things I have discovered or been told.

First, according to Karson I am a "Crotch Goblin" and no, there is no way he would know for sure. It's speculation... I'd much prefer to be the faerie barfing up sparkles. Except I like oral sex quite a bit.. damn it! Can I be a crotch faerie? ...Come over to this side Sephi... we have sparkles and penis! 

Second, I have come to realize that I am most definitely allergic to Saskatoon berries. This was discovered when I had a bite of pie and my face went red and very hot and my nose plugged up. I'm a little annoyed.

Third, was a realization about B which was spurred on by Karson asking questions. He was asking about B and the relationship, and eventually what made Cael different from B. When I answered that question he asked if I differentiated dominants from masters. That is the point where I sat back and actually thought about it. The rest of the questions were easy. This one made me pause. After a bit, I answered that yes I did. A year ago, I would have said no. Since then however I've had the influences of both a dominant and a master, and to me they are very different things. I respond better to a master than I do a dominant. I've come to realize that while B had me call him master, tried to be one... he wasn't. He was definitely dominant, but he wasn't a master. Maybe if he had been around more than it would have turned out better, but I'm not sure. Cael on the other hand is very dominant and most definitely a master. I respond better to him, the whole dynamic has a different feel to it, I haven't gotten far enough to explain the difference coherently, but there is one. I've also come to realize that I need a master, not a dominant. I don't listen to dominants... I don't react the same. I need the control and power, the force and feel of a master. Without it...  I just sail along on my own without a second thought for the person that's supposed to be in control. With B.. it was really up for grabs whether or not I'd listen to him... he'd say something and I may do.. I may not. With Cael... he says it and it's being done instantly. He follows through on punishments... and I need that. I need the control. I crave what he gives me. I just do. With B, something was always missing. With Cael, even without the sex.. it's more fulfilling. *Shrug* I'm still working it out.

I've also been talking to Kitten and discussing some things pertaining to these areas and I'm realizing things there as well. However, for today I think this will about do it.

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