I've been picking lately. Finding little things I'm wondering about and then asking and pestering until I get answers. I don't think Cael is enjoying this phase.
Today I told him that he didn't like admitting that he likes me, wants me, and wants me around. And he agreed. His reasoning is it's too hard with the distance. He holds back because it's easier for him. I don't hold back anything, especially lately. I think we'd be better off giving each other everything. Just because we don't say it out loud doesn't mean it isn't there or isn't real. I understand why he does it, but I want all of him. Desperately. I can wait until he gets down here if I have to, because I know those things ARE there, they just aren't said.
But, I've been thinking and I think part of my insecurity is that he hasn't told me those things. So, while I think they're there...maybe they aren't,at least that's a thought that creeps into my head now and then. I don't know in the sense that he hasn't told me. I need to be told those things ... even if he just said "they're true, they're there" I'd be okay I think. He's never come right out and said he luffs me, and wants me and needs/wants me around.
Knowing you're wanted like that is a huge deal. Most days I know that, but hearing it is important. This is another one of those "Most of the time I'm okay but some days it's harder" things. I've been thinking a lot about my insecurity because I'm tired of it being there and I know he is too, so figuring out where its coming from in all directions is helpful. I know right now my hormones being funky are feeding into those feelings, and to be honest...I'm not really upset. It's almost more scientific right now... "poke this and this happens" type of thing.
I know Cael holds back because its what helps him deal with this and I totally understand that. I even agree with it happening if it does help. It just makes me look forward to him coming here even more. No really, it's possible :)