Monday, July 25, 2011


Yesterday Cael was helping me set up some stuff on my computer. We hit a few...minor bumps. First, he missed steps. He'd say something and leave out the part where I had to switch tabs or pages and so on. Then we discovered I am just not technology savvy and I handed over control of my computer to him. At which point he took time to snoop through my files. Not a huge thing...anything I have I've either sent him, he's sent me or it just doesn't matter.

Mostly though, I argued with him. Over stupid shit. And not just smart ass comments, which I did. That's normal though... it's just whim dependent. Sometimes he laughs, other times I get in trouble. This time I told him he wasn't as smart as he thought he was when he couldn't get things working...and I got in trouble. I have a random pop up punishment coming ...sometime. The arguing though? I don't even remember what it was. Probably nothing really. It's not like I did it intentionally. I really didn't. It just came out...and I couldn't stop. Seriously. As I argued out loud my head was screaming "shut up. shut UP. SHUT UP."  I did get better... I held it in the second time around. I swallowed what I was arguing about or saying... and it was hard. I couldn't sit still. I couldn't look at him because when I did I wanted to talk. Of course, as soon as I got quiet I got informed that it was a moment of control. Which, it was.

But why argue when I didn't want to? Not entirely sure. In person with most people it's a layer of defense. Don't let them in by arguing and making comments. But. He's already in. Maybe just something I need to overcome. It does nothing but get me in trouble... and I can't not let him in when he's already in deeper than is usually possible. Letting that guard down is hard though. I've done it over text but my first instinct in person..and apparently on skype is to make the comments, to argue. Until I get over this I see our conversations driving me up the wall as I try to swallow the stupid comments. I see it being painful soon if I don't get over it. He's whimmy lately. And very mean. The first time he tried helping he had his shirt unbuttoned a bit and I commented on it after. The next time? It was undone all the way. He's mean. And a tease. I want teh fuzzeh. And the glasses are hot too.. fuck. Maybe my issue is all the blood instantly vacated my brain and took up housing elsewhere? Yeah. Lets go with that.

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