I was asked why I've been writing mostly about Cael lately. The truth is... at first I wasn't sure. It started out as me being scared of what was happening and this was a place for me to let it all out and say things to him and let him know how I feel. Lately though.. it's because this whole internal enslavement thing has really taken hold. It's impossible to explain unless you've been here. I thought I was here a while ago, until now that is.
This morning I woke up and said "Morning master" ...I rarely call him master but this morning it just came out, it was a natural thing. I also bought a skort because he made mention about me in skirts... so I bought a skirt training device (seriously, its been about 15 year since I wore a skirt...I need to remember to keep my legs shut -.-)...on top of several other things that I've just done without thinking about. He's more solidly in the middle of my world now and I'm feeling it more lately. I also have been getting more and more secure in my place.
Also? I've been doing very little lately. I finally got a camera... its not a great one but its better than nothing and buying an expensive camera when I'm moving up with cael seems silly when he has a really good camera already.
This Saturday we're having a BBQ for my grandmothers birthday. Not looking forward to it all. I've talked about my grandmother before but I haven't mentioned my aunt. My aunt has been on a diet...she has lost over 150 pounds....in a few months... and she hasn't changed how she eats and barely exercises. So, something is off there and while I know she isn't losing weight in a healthy way and is probably screwing her body up majorly... it bothers me that I've been working so long and haven't lost nearly as much. My exercise has stalled.... I'm having trouble starting it up again since I had to put it off when I buried myself in school work. ....it's just...frustrating and I end up feeling like shit when I'm around her. I need to be kicked in the ass and held to a schedule again because I've learned I cannot hold one by myself. I give myself too much leeway, while at the same time I know I need to do this by myself for right now. It's a vicious little circle.
Oh, and several of my posts have made it up on Eden Cafe. Just click on my user name and hit the "See author posts" option and it will show them all to you. I'm currently trying to write one on body image. Slow. Going.
This one however? I quite like.