Wednesday, July 6, 2011

Of Self Esteem & Home

Sephi and I have been talking a lot lately. Well, about one specific thing; we always talk to each other  a lot. I told her a while ago that I was about one pound away from having lost 20 pounds. (I fluctuate I gained three pounds back but I'll be back down there in a couple days) She was excited. I? Was kinda level and meh about it. We got talking about it and my self esteem and how I should be happy about this. We got talking about it and eventually got to the point where I told her that Cael was a huge part of my self esteem. I never had a lot when I was younger. I've definitely improved and gotten more, but it's a level amount. I see that weight loss and go "Oh, awesome," and move on not thinking a lot about it. When I tell Cael about what I've lost he generally gets happy and smiles and makes a bit of a big deal about it. THEN I get excited and proud. Lately, with everything going on with us and in his personal life I get "Awesome" so... It's affected him and how he responds, and as such affects me. Not a big deal, I'm not upset about it at all.. I just think that may be part of it.

I've spent weeks mulling this over. Sephi doesn't think that it's healthy for me to have him in my self esteem like he is. Thing, is, he is very much aware of how involved he is within me. He knows he has a huge affect on every part of me and that includes steering my self esteem to an extent. If he doesn't get excited about something... I tend not to either. But, I've always been like that. I just have somebody now that I've let in and can control that part of me and bump it up. All subs have their self esteem affected by their master. It's just the way things are, it's why we get so upset when we're in trouble. But, like Sephi and I talked about, Cael and I have taken it to another level.

As far as it being unhealthy? I don't really think so. Without him not only would I have not lost the weight, but if I had somehow managed to I'd still just be meh about it. He's whats pushing me up to an excited level with it when he's in his usual head-space. Seph's point was "What if he isn't in that head-space or it doesn't work out?" We all take risks in this kind of relationship, we let people in further and trust them more, we are risking parts of our self with it. This is just another part. And to be honest, I don't consider that. I right down to my fucking core consider Cael to be who I am supposed to be with, so I give him everything. Holding back doesn't even occur to me anymore. And truth to be told... he has been in my self esteem bubble for so long I can't even separate him from it anymore. He just is there. I don't want him out of it, I don't want him gone. I like that he's in there, and we're that connected. I love it and can't see being any other way with him. Especially lately. I was always open with him and he was always in there but the last month or so since The Great Implosion.. I am so far open to him I don't know how to close. I don't know how to function without him in there. It's just reality to me anymore.  Everything about me has a part of him in it... he has control in everything. He's shaping my body to be what he wants. He's changing the way I think and act. What's one more thing?

There is nothing he has done that has affected me negatively. I trust him. He's gotten me to the point I don't question much anymore with him unless it scares me. He's changing my weight and body... and almost 20 pounds in and I'm happier, I'm even more confident and comfortable. It's not a lot of weight and not near what I need to lose but... I'm wearing shorts. I'm wearing shirts without hiding behind a sweater or zip up. In public. Never in a million fucking years would that have happened just two years ago. He's gotten rid of a lot of that negative voice I had in my head and replaced it with his own. He's made it so I make decisions he would like or choose for me, hell sometimes I have arguments with him in my head. And he wins. Him in my self esteem is just...normal.

I've tried remembering what it was like without him in there... and other than negative..I can't remember. He did that to me with my limits too. I consider myself to be no limits. I know the argument about "You can't be no limits because you're master has limits for you" ... and that's exactly it for me. Somewhere along the way in the five years(?) we've known each other I forgot my limits and adopted his.

I am aware that we function differently than most people even in the lifestyle. We're okay with that. This isn't scary to me like most people see it as. It isn't unhealthy because I've never been happier or literally healthier in my life. It works for us, and I think on some level Cael is proud and enjoys being able to dig inside me that far. He likes that he has that much control. But for as much control he has and as well as he knows me, I can  still surprise him in laughter or say or do something he wasn't expecting and I love that. I love how we function together. I love how we interact on a regular day and I luff him. It's just..comfortable and happy and where I want to be.

I thought about it last night when I was laying in bed, over the last while he's become home to me. And I know how stupid that sounds when he's about 5/6 hours away and hasn't been down here. But it's still true. It's why I can't sleep when he's not around. When I move in with him, maybe when he's gone I'll be able to sleep because he's still around in a way ... still there somehow. Right now, when he's off somewhere and busy... he's just gone. We've been talking so long, and he's so embedded and deep in me that he has become home to me. (Sephi I can hear you cackling at my sap! Shudap!)

And now to cut the sap... and give Seph a breather(bish).

I've been asked why I have so little info on my kinky facebook profile. Truth is... I don't want people being able to find me. And to be honest, I don't have that much on my vanilla facebook either. I just today changed things to say where I live. I have family that has access to my facebook account that I just don't want knowing a lot. That's a huge reason why I don't ever change my relationship status on there. I've actually had "family" contact the person I was seeing when I put it up and try to talk them out of being with me. I don't worry about this with Cael at all, I know he can handle himself very well... but I still don't want people in my shit. :)

I spent the long weekend down at the Farm as I've said. I ended up talking with Lady Di, and a few others about my grandmother and the man she married. I haven't spent much time with Lady Di lately, but she agrees with me. I'm over it. I'm ready for them to be done. My "Grandpa" has cheated on my Grandma for years and I haven't had any respect or interest in talking to him since I was old enough to understand what was going on. I haven't talked to him in 5 years and I see him almost weekly. He doesn't seem to care. Which, at this point doesn't matter. But I spent the first few years of my life glued to him, "Grandpa" was my first word... bit of a sting there. I got over it. But it's still there, between what he's done to my grandmother and to me(he tried to buy me off once, does not know me as well as he thought apparently)... I have no interest in keeping him in my life.

We also talked about my grandmother. For as much I love her she has been a real pain in the ass lately. She is constantly on me about my weight... always has been and it's not a supportive thing like it is with Cael. The way she goes about it makes you feel bad and ashamed. She's also developed a thing for trying to guilt you into doing things and when that doesn't work she just keeps at you until you give in. She did it on the weekend about a dinner she was having. She decided to do it last minute so we could all see the uncle that was up here visiting. Lady Di and I both agreed we weren't going because this uncle has never made an effort to see us before when he's been visiting. He's always had other people who took precedence and the last time he was up here he and his wife did nothing but stir shit and then leave. So we really had no interest in going. She phoned 15 times one day and was bitching about us to the uncle when she thought I didn't have the phone to my ear. Half of us went...the other half had to stay and make sure things at the farm were fine...because we can't leave people alone down there thanks to the shit he stirred last time he was here. The dinner was tense and his ribs were rather blah *nods.* She's also been on my about Cael a lot. Lady Di agreed with me when I told her that you can see a change in me when things are funky with him and I... its just natural for me. Most of the time I try not to tell her too much or she picks it apart. Doesn't work a lot because she'll stay on me for days so I feed her tiny little bits so she doesn't know a lot. And STILL she picks at him and thinks he's too control and unfair and so on. I told Lady Di that I get that my grandmothers marriage is falling apart and she has no options because she never did anything but give him control and have kids... she got married when she was a teenager... she didn't work... she was just a wife so she doesn't want that to happen to me. But, all it does is push me away because the fact is Cael does have more control than I do and it's just the way it is. It works for us. And Lady Di agreed... she was fine with it. I like that I can tell her that and she's not freaked. I could probably tell her everything and she'd be fine. My grandmother would have a shit fit... but I am so close to just telling her because she's starting to piss me off. No matter what I do lately she's on my ass about it and it's about to blow up very badly.

And I think that is that today. It's more than I've written in a long time :)

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