Thursday, June 16, 2011


So, I got caught up in school work and totally forgot I had a post due. such I have nothing really. Though I did get asked a question yesterday so thank fuck for that.
Ever since things with Cael restarted you haven't been sharing as much. How come?

I went back and realized that indeed this person is right. I haven't been. Most of that is because I became reliant on this place to say things to him that I found hard. Which, it still is and will be I'm sure even in person. It's somewhere I can expand on things I've told him or tell him things that are hard for me to say right in person. But. It shouldn't be the only source of communication for issues. Which it was becoming. Instead of telling him I screwed up or was slipping... I blogged about it. I got it out and he would know. But it doesn't work like that. I need to tell him. I need to be able to do that. There's no reason I shouldn't. And if I think I have a reason... it's a made up, shoved my head up my ass, not real reason. So, I've dialed it back here so I get in the habit of telling him. Which I've been doing okay with. There are still times where his life gets hectic and stressful and you couldn't pay me enough to add to that. When that happens I add it to my nightly emails. He still gets it, he just deals with it in his own time and doesn't have it added to an already overflowing plate which means he doesn't get mad at me for saying it, or for not saying it. Happy medium. Why doesn't that work here? Because sometimes he misses a post, or just skims it, or finds another point he thinks is more important and misses the others. Or sometimes? He doesn't read them. Which is fine, but that means he doesn't get the confessions I put in them. He reads the emails, even if it is sometime later.

I'm huge fuck up proofing my world. I don't ever want to be here again. It's been a few weeks but it's still a scary place. Especially with all the shitty and unfortunate and frustrating things happening in our lives at the moment. It changes how we react, and our moods. So we have to work through that to get back to what's normal for us and then move forward. I'm definitely still a little insecure, but right now... that's just one more thing for him to deal with. One more thing for me to deal with. We're both already swamped. So, that's gone into the emails and will be dealt with when the sky is done falling.

Also known as "could not pay me enough" :D

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