Nothing much to say today. Cael and I are restarting. Going back to the way things were before I got my rules. Which means, I currently have none. Little bit of a spinning top. He said I could continue to follow my previous ones but that he wasn't going to enforce them. Which is what I have been doing and plan to do until I either get new rules, he tells me not to or it doesn't work anymore. For as much as I messed up... not having the rules has made me realize just how much I need them. And just how far up my ass my head had gotten.And I think part of me sees this as having a way to prove myself again... as screwy as that sounds.
So, we restart. We rebuild and try to get back to where we were. And it's scary. So unbelievably scary that I can't even explain. But Cael says we'll work through it, that we'll be fine. I'm trusting that, trusting him. Following him a step a time trusting it will lead to somewhere good. If it doesn't hopefully we reset the pieces and try again. I've said it before and I'll say it again... I'm not giving up. He's not getting rid of me. But for now, baby steps.