Cael and I talked last night, and he asked for a bit of space. Not a "We're finished" kind of space, but a "Little less contact for a bit, less cling" kind of space. There's a lot going on with him right now and he knows he can take a bit of a step back from me and I wont be going anywhere. He can't do that with the other stuff going on. It's not a huge deal really, just a little most space between us talking and less pestering from me is what he wants. Of course, he and I have talked everyday (aside from days when one of us has been gone all day or away) so it's a huge adjustment for me. I've never had a relationship where I didn't talk to the person everyday, he has. He's a lot more accustomed to the space than I am, but personal reasons have made space necessary for the time being. In person when this happens I'm not sure what I'll do. Read, stay in a different room for the most part. I don't know. It should be interesting. But definitely doable for him :) Yes, I am a suck up sometimes. (does anybody else hear that masculine laughter? No? In my head again? Damn worm)
The thing is, when he gets in these states, he changes. He picks at things he normally wouldn't. He forgets things, that would at times help. And sometimes? I don't see it right away. I know something is off but I can't pinpoint what it is. So, when we went over 30 hours without speaking I had a bit of a freak out. If I know what's going on, if I know his issues are flaring up I don't freak out. I rationalize it and understand it. But, when I assumed the issue was gone and didn't know what was going on? That? Is when I flip shit. Long silences, with no explanation especially with the rough patches we've had lately will freak me out every time. And he knows this, but when this happens it's totally understandable that informing me isn't his first thought. At the time I didn't know that though. Essentially it was a bit of a mess.
All of that to say "I've been thinking." Last night before Cael and I spoke, I was talking to Sephi and she was telling me that it's okay to be mad. She thought I should be, because she would be. I wasn't. I was scared. I was worried about him, us. Over the last few months since Cael and I have been going through this rough spot I've talked to several other subs or slaves and none of them share my view point. None of them understand where I'm coming from. Neither do I. Not entirely.
I've known for a while that I don't fit into the sub category. Nor the slave category. I fit into the "cunt" category quite nicely. I missed the line for the brain to mouth filter. I don't respond kindly to authority or sadism, yet I crave it...although slightly ungraciously. "I know where you live mah fuggah" is apparently not a generally accepted response to either. Kaya wrote a post that sums it up nicely.
However after all day of sitting and thinking I've come to the conclusion that part of it for me is an animalistic thing. I am very selective about who gets the submissive side of me. Cael is the only one that gets it. He is the only person that has ever proved himself worthy of it. To him in some ways I respond like prey. Not easy prey, but prey. Sometimes the cat just watch the mouse dodging in and out, teasing him. Other times he attacks the mouse. I need that. I need to know that if I step out of line, raise my ass too high he will take it out and force me back into my place. Back into pack hierarchy. Sometimes I test him, not always intentionally, but he never loses. Ever. He ALWAYS fights harder than I do, takes a bigger bite out of me than I do out of him.
A part of me responds to that predatory instinct in him. And believe me, he does have one. He stalked me, and conquered me without me knowing it the first time. I am not a slave fire burning in my belly type of person. I need somebody to be worthy, to conquer me, to hunt me and win the fight. Because part of me? Part of me wouldn't respect and be able to follow him if he just let me conquer him. The other part of me though, hates like fuck to lose. However, all of me recognizes that I need to lose, I need to be the prey with him. It's just what's right. I've had dreams lately of talking to my spirit animal. A wolf, ironically. And it's always told me that I'm supposed to follow Cael, that's where I belong. Lately though, I've been offering my throat to him in dreams, and having random thoughts of it throughout the day. It's a submissive gesture to a dominant. You do not offer your throat to somebody you think will tear it out.
In some way it's almost a relationship between two dominants, two impossible, hard, complicated people in one relationship. There are varying levels of dominance and to him, I submit. I am submissive. In general I am not at all. But he is always more dominant than I am. In fact, I have no dominance with him. But I put up a good fight. I fight and push and claw and bite and he WILL STILL win. I love that he can beat the shit out of me mentally, emotionally and physically. No matter how I try to fight he doesn't declaw me. That he keeps that wild cuntness that's there. He can over power me while I swear and fight and I love it. He keeps me in check, keeps me grounded. He's what rules me in a lot of ways.
I don't know where I'm going with this anymore. Somewhere along the way I stopped thinking and just started typing.