Wednesday, June 8, 2011


Yes, an extra post. Mostly because I'm sitting here with nothing to do for the moment.

First, the Q&A

"You haven't mentioned new toys in a while. Have you gotten any?"

Well, I got a butt plug a bit ago that I have not managed to make work yet. So far not a fan. I also got a UR3 toy a couple of weeks ago that is still sitting in its packaging unopened. When Cael took away my orgasms I stopped playing (obviously) and now I have no drive to. Not because he took it away when he punished me, but with everything else going on... orgasming and ordering toys just aren't up there on the list right now. That particular punishment ended Sunday and I still haven't played. Self imposed punishment or just a physical reaction to everything... I'm not sure yet.

And now, the PSA.

I've had some time to think in the last little bit. Try to figure out how we got here, how I managed to mess things up this badly. Part of it finally hit me yesterday. While I am totally to blame and not trying to push that blame anywhere else... I was so not alone in getting where I am. I've also noticed a disturbing trend within some of my family and IRL friends telling me I should worry about myself. To find somebody here. To make myself happy. And various other things. While yes, they seen that I was upset and from tiny snippets that I've given them they've tried to help. Here's the thing.. He's everything. He makes me happy. I don't care about the distance, it'll be erased eventually. I can't just worry about me because I am so entwined in him and I wouldn't change that for the world.

Here's whats gonna happen.. I am taking a step back. From everybody, there is not a single person I am not including in this other than Cael. He's given me the right to make decisions right now.. and I am. I am deciding that I am done dealing with people telling me various things about what I should be doing concerning him. Family included. Well meaning or not, telling me this is out of hand or that its uncalled for and all the other "helpful" statements aren't happening anymore. Because I'm done holding my tongue. Yeah, some of them just want to make me feel better but it doesn't, because Cael DOES come first, so every time something like that is said it's like a blow to me too. I also know some of my family is going through a lot right now and that's being pushed on me and applied to what's happening with Cael and I. It's not the same. You can't force me to be independent and never rely on and listen to a man when I'm in this kind of dynamic. I'm sorry your marriage isn't working.. but it doesn't apply to me. On top of the fact this is all coming from a vanilla perspective... that perspective does not work with us. People pester me and bug me and phone me until I give them some explanation of whats wrong and then they turn it on me, well I'm done. Chances are good you're going to be told to back the fuck off. I'm at the point where I'm either going to start telling people nothing, or telling them everything dynamic and lifestyle included.  The ridiculous part is with my family, while right now they are bugging me about things pertaining to Cael... when this blows over they'll find something else. Be back on my weight, or my writing, or the fact that I like to stay home instead of go out to bars every night.  This one? Is just bugging me more because of who it involves, especially when they know nothing.

As far as people I talk to on the computer or text or whatever form of communication we use... you are included too. All the advice, and talks and help.. I KNOW some of that is what got my head up my ass. Some of you have been in this lifestyle longer that either Cael or I have been alive. So, I trusted what I was told, I heard it so many times that I thought "Okay, that makes sense" ... and then Cael would get mad. This last time was a huge one. And I'm done making mistakes. So, I'm taking a step back there as well. We can still talk, we can even give advice like we always have... but until I bring it to Cael I'm disregarding most of it. Possibly all of it. I've already talked to a few of you about my current punishment and things that have happened in the last bit and I've realized something. The further I am from most of my influences, the closer I am to Cael.. the less sense most of what I'm being told makes. When he was sick I definitely huddled around a couple of you.. and while I thank you for that... listening to advice given there has gotten me in trouble a lot. I'm not letting anybody come between Cael and I anymore. It's not worth it. I totally get that for most of you (if it is you I'm talking about, not everybody is included in this, it's just easier to step back from all for now) it wasn't intentional. You didn't give advice with the purpose of making him mad, or putting us down or whatever happened. Some of you did. And I know that. I can see it and always have. There are quite a few people I used to talk to quite a bit that I barely talk to anymore, and not because I'm not on here a lot(though that is the reason for some of you) but because they continually tried to get me to walk away from Cael. Funny thing is... most of them are guys. Wonder why huh?

So, I'm not mad... it's not your fault. It's mine for getting sucked into things even if I didn't see them at the time. The advice I received probably worked for you, but it didn't and doesn't for Cael and I and I need to make an effort to separate that. I need to focus more on us. And right now? Fixing Cael and I is all that matters.


  1. I think it's great if you can back off from well-meaning advice and separate the "This is good, it works for me" from the rest. It's hard for me, too; sometimes I'll get down reading on FetLife or a blog what someone else has and I feel like I SHOULD have that or do something else differently. But there is really no "should" or "should not," only what works for your relationship. Good luck!