Friday, June 24, 2011


Well, I have a post due. Other than burying myself in school work nothing else is really going on.

I realized yesterday that I haven't seem Chris in over a year. I haven't talked to him in months. And as of this morning I now know for sure that he didn't move back to the nearby city. Nope. He is exactly 20 minutes from me and I haven't seen him in a year. He's not answering texts or messages anywhere. To be honest, this isn't even the first time. It's nothing for him to disappear for weeks on end. Sometimes months though it's rare. Every time it happens do you know the cause? A girl. Every time he gets a girlfriend he completely drops me. Chances are he drops a lot of people. This time? It's pissing me off. He's not 16 anymore he should be able to maintain more than one relationship at a time.  Especially with how close he said we were. It sucks. A lot. Other than Cael and Sephi he is the only person I actually talk to. He's the only one close enough to actually spend time with on a regular basis. I've known him since we were both 5 years old. So, will I let him back in whenever he reappears? Probably. But it's not going to be the same. It can't be. I'm tired of it. Tired of being dropped over girls that treat him like shit. Tired of being ignored. Tired of him in general right now.

I spent all day yesterday typing. And probably will today. My adviser is supposed to send me a grad plan to get the last 3 things I need today so I may go in to get books. Other than that though? Typing. School work, and Cael time is my plan today.

Why Cael time? Because I miss him and am soaking up as much of him as I can lately. For months now it's been one thing after another. When he was sick he wasn't himself at all, then he was busy with school, then he was traveling, then he had friends out, then he had a surgery, then he got back to himself for a bit and we had (what shall now be forever known as )the Great Implosion and he was mad for a long time, then disappointed. He's still not back to normal with me but we're moving forward. Then he had some issues with his bank and his car got broken into. Then there were some personal things that kept him away for a bit and now next weekend he's helping friends move and will be gone all weekend. That's not even counting all the school work and everything I'm wrapped up in. I? Miss that man.

With all the typing I've been doing lately I've had a lot of time to just think. Mindless typing lends itself to that. Just as my brain tends to lend itself to Cael. I realized just how lucky I am to have him. I realized that he is amazing to me and pretty damn perfect in his own way at least for me. I also realized that on some level we needed the Great Implosion to show me that this is different. I've had relationships seem awesome at first then just fall apart because the guy wasn't what he claimed to be. I think in some part of my mind I was waiting for that to happen with Cael, even if  I didn't know it. I knew in the front part of my mind that he was different, that he never lies and will always be the same man with me, always be my owner. But the back part of my mind waited. And yes, he faltered a time or two and I am still getting over one of those falters, as he's getting over one of mine. Now? That doubting, scared part of my mind isn't even there anymore. I think it was waiting. Waiting for him to prove what he says. Waiting for me to feel worth all the effort he puts in and things he says to me. He's changed the way I think in general, and he's changed the way I think about myself. Yeah I still have issues but they aren't as big as before. He's a lot deeper in my head this time around.

Last time I was open with him but I still hid. I haven't been hiding. At all. I stumble, I tell him right away. I'm at the point where I don't understand why I didn't before. I don't understand why I hid from him. He is the last person in the world that I need to hide from. Right now I don't have rules, but I'm following the old ones because I don't know how not to really. This mindset isn't the same as the last one I had. This one doesn't know how to function without the rules. I'm not sure where this mindset comes from other then finally getting it. Finally understanding my place, what I should be doing, how he wants me to function. So right now when I tell him I'm stumbling he just accepts it. He doesn't direct or lead much right now. And sometimes that drives me up the wall, I want to stomp and cry and beg for him to take control back and tell him it's changed, the punishment worked. Then I remember that it's my fault that we are where we are. That I need to be patient and wait for him to get back to that place we were before, wait for him to trust me again. And I even back out, I realize that the break is a good thing for both of us. It'll get us over those missteps we've both made, and make this mindset for me more stable.

Cael so important to me, it's what makes him the center of my world and makes me luff him. Because there is not one single person in the world that I want to be with more.

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