Wednesday, April 13, 2011

Round & Round The Garden

"Round and round the garden
Like a Teddybear.
One step, two step
Tickle you under there"

My Aunt used to say that to my brother all the time when he was little and it's stuck with me. Right now I feel like I'm going "Round and round the garden." Caels schooling is taking more of his time lately as I've mentioned. What I haven't said is it's taking more of his attention, more of his energy and is in the priority spot right now. Which while I miss him and want his attention, I totally understand. I know I'm still important to him, I know he makes time for me and I know he feels bad that he can't give me more of himself. I get that and I appreciate it. I completely understand why his schooling needs his attention right now, and I even agree with him and encourage it. Doing this schooling will get him a better job, it will help him a lot and in the end when I move it'll help us. Which is great, getting to that point though...the point where I'm moved up with him, he's done with the schooling and we're where we're supposed to be...that's a lot of work, and it's hard, and some days it just plain sucks.

Sephi and I have been talking about it a lot lately. We talked about the big girl slub panties that need to be put on so we can deal with this type of thing. It's not always a BDSM dream, it doesn't always take precedence. Sometimes reality steps in and pushes that dream aside. It's still there in the background, always present but not as in your face, or important. And that? Is hard some days. Not because I'm pouting or throwing a fit about it all or even missing it/him though I do. It's finding my footing with it. I'm not sure where I belong or what I should be doing when I'm not firmly in that "You are my slub, and you listen to me place." I know I'm still his, still owned, still submissive to him, my physical place is still at his side to support him. That's the easy part. Trying to work out what I can just go ahead and do on my own without his guidance or say so is the hard part. Do I revert to the vanilla gf mode like I would around his family and friends and try to maintain that? OR Do I continue to bring things to him as I always have and wait for him to have the time to direct me? After a while of thinking I've settled in the middle. I still bring things to him, but I don't bring as much. If they're things we've talked about before I decide what to do based on previous discussions. A lot of the time I just let him know what I'm doing with the thought of "If he doesn't want it done he'll tell me." I know his expectations of me, I know most of the time what he'll allow and what he wont though he does have a tendency to surprise me sometimes. I go based on what I think and bring it to him or mention it in passing. If he doesn't say anything I Carry on with it. I'll never be a good vanilla gf, ever, so why try?

I've also been talking to Sephi about my weight issues and the way I think sometimes and she's made some good points. She's suggested sending pictures to Cael so that I get used to him seeing me and it wont be as big of a deal. I took this to Cael and he hasn't said much due to reasons above. Sephi's also made me think about the way I interact with Cael, and that accepting what he is to me instead of just knowing might help me too. I KNOW that he's everything to me. I know that. He leaves whether it's for school or for mini-vacation type breaks and I wait for him. I wait for him to come home, it's like everything pauses and waits for him. I function, I move forward but I'm still waiting.  He's who I look to for approval, help, luff, guidance, dominance, pain, comfort, safety, everything. That's just what he is to me. Accepting all of that, swallowing it, feeling it and owning it is a scary thing, it's a lot to lose but it's also a lot to gain. Accepting it will take away some of the fear I think, make me more comfortable as will taking the pictures.

This is where the round and round begins. I'm making progress, but without something to keep me moving forward in that direction I'm scared I'll lose ground. I do not want to lose ground. I don't want to go backwards with this so I'm fighting it, going in circles with it. Contemplating just sending him the pictures whether he wants them or not.

I want to be with him and truthfully, I have no reason to be afraid of how he'll react to me, to the weight. He's told me he isn't going anywhere. I need to trust that. Especially since I want to be able to be around him. He uploaded a video on his facebook yesterday of him singing and I loved it. I had a hell of a time watching it though. I had to keep pausing it because I got overwhelmed with it, with him. Wanting him. Wanting to be near him. If I want that I need to get past this issue.

I was in my room last night when he put the video up. I watched it a few times and ended up laying in bed as it played. I fell asleep almost as soon as I lay down. That? Is rare. I take hours to fall asleep. Suddenly I can hear him and I fall asleep easier than I have in years. That's probably the most telling thing for me. I knew I functioned better, was happier, more content, and comfortable with him around, but being able to hear him is apparently better. As such I may or may not have pulled a ninja and gotten just the song so I can have it on replay when I sleep. Perhaps. *blinks innocently*
I tend to sleep better with somebody around anyways, but the song helps. It's not as good as having him around but it's closer than I was before. For me it's more so the little noises that people make that I enjoy and want. The coughs, the breathing and whimpers, even snoring depending on the person. Yet more points towards having him around and getting over this. Do you see how I keep going around in circles, yet I always end up back in the same place. Being with him. That's the end of it for me.

And now because I spent so much time gushing at him and have completely forgotten what else I was going to write about, I'm done for today.

P.S.  We've had to lock Caels blog to prevent family and friends from finding it and reading it. If you would like to read it you can create a wordpress account and email me your screen-name and I'll pass it on to him and he'll decide who gets access.

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