Monday, April 25, 2011

Swimming Lessons

Because today I feel like I'm drowning.

I really don't even know what this post is about. For the last while I've been talking about how busy Cael is and how stressed he was. I talked about trying to behave and be understanding.

Which is all well and good, but in the end...  you can only do that so long before there's a break in the dam. Before you drop a ball or two and wonder why you're left holding nothing. I dropped the exercise. Which I have talked about several times, but today was the first day I actually took time out and thought about things. Cael said I had the week to think about it all and I thought I had solved it and found my explanation that night.

Now, today...I don't think I did.

I think I spent so much time making sure that I wasn't bothering him that I forgot about me. I forgot that I need him and I've been spinning in circles for quite a while now. Sephi and I talked about some stuff the other day, and I realized that I seem to be on pause when he's not around. I do day to day things, but in general my whole person pauses and waits for him to return. Which isn't really a bad thing, but the last couple weeks he's been busy, this week he's visiting family, next week he has friends coming to stay with him.

It wasn't until he told me that he had friends coming out that I realized some of my issue was being on pause and thinking I was SO close to getting him back and getting my rules and everything enforced again. I need him in general but I really need that side of him I think. It wasn't until then that I realized I am a little mixed up. That I really do NEED the punishments to set me back on track, because somewhere along the way I fell off of it. I don't begrudge him having friends out, or going to visit family, or even the plans he has with other girls. I really don't. What bugs me is that I want a part of him too, and that parts been missing lately.

I've felt insecure all day, I thought at first it was because he told me about some plans he had that in the abstract I'm okay with, but full out knowing I'm not. Which is true, but that's not really why I'm insecure. I think it's because whoever this person is is getting more of him than I do lately, and it worries me...scares me.

I don't individually any of these are big deals, at all, but when you add them all up with my general missing of him it's a bit to swallow.

I've even considered not sending my report tonight. Not for attention, but to see if he'd really punish me. Could it be that I don't want to send it because of my mood and today being a spectacular fail on all accounts? Could it be that I need to know that he will punish me because I've never had anybody follow through? Or, could it be I want to be shown that he means what he says, and using this to prove to myself that he really is sticking around? I don't know. I really don't. It could be none of them, I could just be a bitch today.

My head is scrambled. I think maybe part of the reasoning is I have spent all day thinking and I've just gotten myself so twisty turny that I don't know which way is up in my own mind anymore.

The last little while has been rough, on me and him. Maybe I didn't realize how much until now because most of it's over and there is a light at the end of the tunnel. (I swear to gods if it's another fucking bus!!) We may see each other in a couple of weeks, it could be longer. We don't know. It's a scary thought but at the same time, it's needed. On both ends I think.

If (boy am I going to get my ass kicked for that "if")it goes like he says it will then it'll clear out a lot of my issues. It'll clear my head a bit, I am pretty damn sure a lot of my problems in this post are because I miss him. Or even because I need the dominance and control for a bit. I need put back in my place and told where that place is. I know where that place is. I am his, I will always be his. He owns me, and he's keeping me. My place is at his side listening to him, the end. I think I need to be told that, need it shown to me.

A lot of subs get this head space from time to time, need to be drawn back in. I've never had it happen before, I've just listened and been content with it. I haven't really struggled with shit before (aside from the mess B put me through but it's not the same) as far as submission goes. Once I Accepted it, it was just fluid and right. I've never head my head twist like this, whether I need to be tied and spanked versus cuddled and reassured I'm not sure. Maybe a combination, cuddles with a hand at my throat.

So, as to what my real issue is... I don't know. I'm not even sure there is a real issue.

I KNOW I am his.

I KNOW that won't change.

I KNOW he won't leave me.

I KNOW I won't leave him.

I KNOW he owns me.

I KNOW I have nothing to worry about.

I KNOW my head is just screw today.

Did I mention I got maybe 3 hours of sleep last night? Sleep is a reluctant bitch without Cael around... I think the brain worm throws a party and keeps me awake.


  1. I sometimes have the same issue. My head knows that I am good enough, that my Master still wants me and I am worth all of His hard work and love..

    But every once in a while my soul/heart (not sure if that names it correctly) starts to worry that every other past negative voice is actually right. And being away from Him always draws out the bad voices. A good scene followed by lots and LOTS of cuddles always puts me at right again!

    I hope you feel better and more secure in your role :)

  2. Thanks :)

    My worry is that he wont see me as good enough. He's reassured me but until we're standing face to face and he decides to stay with me even after he leaves to go home when the visit's over, then I'll calm down. Until then, it's like a war inside.

    As far as my submission, I just have my head stuck up my ass because he's been so busy I think :) I'm quite bendy it would seem.