Wednesday, September 15, 2010

One Would Think...

Your regularly scheduled post will commence in a moment, right now I need to get some random shit out.


Really? Just now? I may have inserted the Qtip too far if I am just now catching on.

A month? A year? Who knows? NOT ME!

First feeling: Happy bordering on excitement. First thought after realization that he's known for god knows how long: Fucker.

Now to explain. Remember that post I made a few hours ago? Yep. I can talk about it now. Why? Because I told the person that it involved. Actually, in all fairness I told Sephi first because she is the only person that would understand where I'm coming from. Why you ask? Because she's been there.

What happened? Well, I had an epiphany as you read. An epiphany that made me realize that I am indeed owned. Not only am I owned... but it's been that way for a long time most likely. I'd love to tell you how long but you see I don't know. I just found out today myself. I just work here(HA! See what I did there? Funneh.(god damn it! You see that "Ha" right there? Yeah, Caels fault. Take it up with him. I have come to loathe the word/sound and yet Tada! There it is!)). It could be a month. It could be a year. I'm not privy to such information.

I will share a piece of a conversation Sephi and I had. I'm doing this because I Talked to her about it and I can't seem to explain clearly right now.

"The white rabbit has struck again. Had a bloody big club too! I was in the shower...the place were all ideas are formed and it just struck me... I am totally fucking owned and I didn't even know it.

Every single part of me belongs to ___. Probably has for quite a while. I can't remember the last time he asked something of me and it didn't happen. It could be years... it honestly could have happened before I even started with B. ____was always where I went...always where it was safe. We already know damn well that he's dominant to me. He has absolutely all the control... I changed out a piercing size the other night that I've been humming and hawing on for over a year... he decided and I just did it. I ignored B when he tried to tell me what to do. When I talk to him it's comforting and calming and makes me happy... it's like what I had with B but even more so. I absolutely depend on him, whether it's big things or random little shit. I have never once lied to him or kept something from him. If he's upset with me I literally tear up and want to crawl around behind him until he forgives me. (Unless I happen to be mad too...but we've never really fought so gods only know). He tells me things I listen, that connection is just there. Even when I was dating B it was.

There are other things that lead me to this conclusion, but in the end... I'm owned. He knows we have the connection, he knows he's in charge and he loves it..... I think he maybe knows that he owns me but I don't know. I understand that it's not going to change anything right now... we can't date...he's not ready and I'm still not moving yet. But... I'm having a real issue trying to decide whether or not to even voice that he owns me.... if he knows it.. he'll laugh at me for being slow... if not... im not sure. But I have never once kept anything from him... 1. I don't like it. 2. I'm not entirely certain I'm capable. Before you and Master got back together did you have that issue at all? Also, keep my mouth shut? I just don't know!"

I omitted his name on purpose. Anybody know who it is? Cael you say? Why YES. I honestly cannot see how I missed this. His teasing "I thought you would have figured it out" was not helpful! But, I digress. He totally knows that he owns me. Has for a while.  After realizing this and thinking back.... it all fits together. It all makes sense. Maybe I didn't see it because I wasn't ready. I don't know. Either way, it is kind of nice. It's calming and makes me happy to know that I am owned. Even if I don't call him master (though it probably would happen if he wanted it) or we don't date right now. I still know it. I don't feel off-center anymore. I feel stupid for not seeing it, but happy I'm not alone in seeing it. *Shrugs* Anybody wanna look through my ears to straighten the picture on the wall?

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