Saturday, February 20, 2010

A Very Affective Punishment

It has taken me a week to decompress and reflect on what has gone on lately. To be honest, it’s still not entirely clear to me. I am generally pretty good at ignoring things I don’t want to see until they’re smacking me in the face. I have been sufficiently smacked.

            I have tried three different times to write this paragraph. I can’t seem to do it. I don’t recall everything that happened and some of it is just a little hazy. Basically, I got insecure about him being so far away and pushed at master. He tried to console and reassure me but the way he was doing it didn’t register as reassurance to me. It made me think I was being brushed off. When I finally stopped he told me that what he was doing was giving affection to reassure me, not derail me. He also told me that he wouldn’t be putting up with this if he didn’t plan to stick around. That last sentence stuck in my head. It’s about the only clear thing I have left from that night.

            When we hung up from talking to each other I couldn’t sleep. All I could do was think about what he said. I don’t like that he feels he has to put up with things from me. I’ve been trying very hard since then not to let it happen again. I trust master very much so my insecurity isn’t from him. It’s most definitely from past experiences, which have no place in the relationship I have now. I went for a while where I was completely confident in our relationship and there was no doubt in my mind about it. It stayed around until we had a misunderstanding that shook me a little bit. Since then I’ve been striving to get that back, and I will. It’s impossible not to trust daddy. However, every now and then my insecurity comes up and bites me in the ass when I least expect it. Nonetheless it’s not something that master should have to put up with.

            Master knows the reasoning for all of this. He knows and he works with me when I get in a mood and for that I am appreciative, but that conversation made me realize something. I don’t want to ruin the best thing I’ve ever had because somebody else has screwed me over. Master says that he just waits out my mood then fucks me. It’s a very specific process.

Then two days ago, Wednesday I believe. I was sitting in the living room with my laptop and some food that I shouldn’t have been having and I thought “It’s okay because I never get punished for diet rules.” That froze me and I text master to tell him. I didn’t want to think this way, that’s not the kind of slub I want to be and not how daddy wants me to be. When I explained that my diet and exercise hadn’t happened for two days and asked to be punished for it (oh the irony!) he obliged. Since he is so far away he is limited on what he can punish me with. This time, he stopped talking to me. From the outside it wasn’t a bad punishment and it certainly wasn’t long. I’ve gone for days where I haven’t been able to talk to him because of how busy he is. This time was different, this time I knew I was being ignored. He didn’t speak to me for three hours and ten minutes exactly. It was the longest three hours and ten minutes I have ever gone through. I spent over two hours whimpering and begging for him to talk to me. I don’t deal well when I know he is upset with me. I do worse when he’s intentionally not speaking to me.

              There was an hour in there where I stopped and thought about what I had done. When I started to think about it I realized that even when I was following masters rules I would add in little snacks that I wouldn’t ask for or go days not asking for food. Those things aren’t in my rules. I am to ask for every single piece of food I want and for every drink besides water. I am rarely denied what I want, so why did I feel the need to just not ask for it and sneak it?

            As I was sitting there a family member walked by and criticized what I was eating. That’s when I suddenly clued in. I sneak food without telling master because I feel I need to. I’ve always had to secretly make meals or hide food to avoid the “That’s no good for you,” “Holy cow are you going to eat all of that?” and “Are you eating again?” speeches. There were several more I’ve gotten my entire life, those are just the ones I’ve gotten lately that stick out. Because of these things I feel embarrassed asking for food, it makes me self-conscious and nervous about what master will say to me. To be fair he has never said any of those things to me, not once and I know he won’t. It’s just the possibility and the way it all makes me feel.  My relationship with food is not healthy and I know it. I eat when I’m happy, sad, upset or when something just tastes good. I’m learning restraint and have come along way, but not far enough. The criticizing words from everybody around me weigh me down every time I try to move forward. This is part of why I don’t like being around most of my family. I know that I need to change things and I’m working on it. Them trying to “help” only sets me back, makes me feel bad about myself and makes me want to go curl up and give up. Sometimes I slip and have something I shouldn’t, it’s getting more and more rare but it does happen.

            Lately I’ve had a new mantra running through my head all day. “The only opinion that matters is masters,” and it’s helping. I just get thrown back into the shit pile sometimes. There are days where I am absolutely fine asking for food, then there are days where it terrifies me. Master believes that if I can’t work up the courage to ask for what I want then I probably shouldn’t be having it to begin with. Which is completely true, usually when I don’t ask for things, I’m having something that I shouldn’t.

By the time master talked to me I had done a lot of thinking. I told him I was sorry and that I would practice some will power from now on(which is part of the problem too). Since he started me on this diet I have told him some of these things, but not all. Mostly due to embarrassment I think, but that’s part of what this blog is for. I have trouble saying what I need to say sometimes and it comes out better in writing.

            I know this entry is a little scrambled and unfinished, but it’s really the best I can do. Other than thinking about things and feeling guilty over other things…everything is a little jumbled and hazy. I’ve been trying to get this out for a week and I think that this is as clear as it is going to get. Which is fine, I know what I need to do now, and I know the consequences and that is all that matters.

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