Tuesday, April 27, 2010

For Nilla

Nilla asked me a question and after reading it, it seemed I hadn't done the best job of explaining things and getting what I needed to out there so I'm posting her question and my answer here. The fact that I wrote so much really helps the whole "needs a post" thing.   


"Okay, you may hate me when i’m done here.  

I wonder, truly wonder, if your Master is still your master. Sorry, serene, it just seems rather….hmmm…strange? that He is completely unavailable 24/7. I mean, no one works 24/7.  

even cops, nurses, etc…they may work 12, 14 hour shifts, but there is always *some* downtime. Some wee moment of the day to text “thinkin’ of you.” Hell, he could txt from the toilet…i’ve done that myself. A quickie text that takes 2 seconds to type and send. Who the hell would be the wiser ?  

It seems unexcusable that if he has “left” you like this, that he would not come out and say so. Unnecessarily cruel, imho. Leaving you hanging.  

And what if, after weeks with no hearing he comes back and says hey baby.  

Are you really ready to support and be with someone who would treat you that way?  

even the strictest D/s relationships i know of don’t work that way…their dynamic is built, firstly, on mutual trust.  

It just seems to me that there is something off in this relationship.  

I don’t know you. You seem very young. Still at home, still under some control of your parents. You don’t work, and do some schooling?  

Honey, you do what feels best for you, but from this old lady’s perspective, you’ve been taken for a ride. Off a long dusty highway. And left there.  

I beg you to calmly, clearly, reread your blog. He’s supposed to come home to you? But a date? a time? and no contact *ever* except for one word ??? After weeks of silence? This is not a relationship, serene. *shakes head*  

This is not a relationship, not even slave-based.  

This will be hard for you to read, i know.
Harder still for you to step back a pace, and to take that long hard look at your life.

I am not in your shoes. I do not live your life.  

but you do not seem happy.  

and i so wish for you to be.  

Please take this for the spirit of which it is intended. As caring. As an outside observer.  

I hope you find your path to the one you are meant to be with. I hope if it is your master, that he cares and nurtures you…because i just am not seeing that happening.  




I’m going to take that a paragraph at a time so I don’t confuse either one of us. (By the way, if any of this sounds pissy, I apologize. I’m not meaning it to but I barely slept last night so my wording is most likely crap today.)

I don’t hate you. I completely understand where you’re coming from. I’ve wondered if he’s still my master. I’ve wondered if I’m still owned. I too think that it’s strange but at the same time I’ve known this guy for a couple years, I know what his ex gfs think of him and I know what his job is like and what his work ethic is like.

He doesn’t have down time because he’s the only person in charge, if he’s not training people, setting up stores, delivering products, pitching, checking up on people, doing paperwork and training himself for his new position then everything falls apart. He doesn’t have a second banana; he’s the only one. He controls the market in the biggest city in Canada plus 5 or 6 smaller cities around it. He works all day and drives/works all night usually. When he’s not he passes out instantly because he is constantly working. I’m honestly surprised that he hasn’t worked himself to the point of being sick, maybe that’s what happened, I don’t know. I’ve thought that he could text me from the bathroom too; I know it only takes two seconds to text “mine.”  I’m upset that he hasn’t text me but there is a million reasons why he hasn’t. First, he’s male…guys sometimes don’t think that way. He normally does if he’s as run down as I think he is… he’s probably barely functioning. It could be that he’s just having an unusually busy couple weeks. It’s happened before, and if his boss is around like they have been the last couple months then it would make sense he couldn’t text. There was weeks before where I would only get one or two texts when he got really busy so that makes sense. It could be that he gets to come home soon and has to focus on his job and he knows I won’t be going anywhere so he’s waiting. It could be that we’re done… but honestly. I don’t see it.  I don’t see it being another girl either and I’ve put a lot of thought into all these possibilities. He just doesn’t have time for that and he’s the type of guy that if he wanted another girl, he would break up with me first. Not because I’m delusional but because I know the kind of guy he is. Every single one of his ex gfs are still his friends, still love him to death as such because of how well he treats them. He’s not the kind of boyfriend to decide a relationship is over and just stop talking to the person. It’s not his personality; if it were over I would be told. I just know I would be, I’ve known him too long to think otherwise.

He’s been unable to talk for a while before so I don’t really see it as inexcusable unless he was out partying and just chose not to answer. I can’t be angry with him over a job he can’t control.   From the outside it looks inexcusable because without seeing how much time this job dominates it’s impossible to explain it.

If it takes a few weeks and he comes back with a “hey babe” I’d want to know what happened. I’d want to know why I wasn’t being answered and he’d be informed I’d want some warning but yes, I would still want to be with him. He’s a great guy; I refuse to let a couple weeks worth of insane busyness of whatever is going on ruin what has been going really well for a year and a half. If It was only a couple months into it… hell no, he’d be gone. But I don’t think a couple weeks worth of no contact (for a good reason if there is one) negates a whole relationship. Especially one that means so much to both of us. Even a few days before his last text he was calling me “his” and telling me how sorry he was that he had been so busy. If he seemed indifferent to it and the small pain (and it is a small pain compared to some of the things other guys have done to me. Which is kind of a measuring stick for this really which is why I’m not as outraged as you seem to be. I’ve been treated like dirt and been in an abusive relationship…this is like a tiny blip on the scale) it has caused me then I’d be more upset but he’s not. He knows and he makes up for and apologizes. 

We are definitely built on trust. That’s why I know damn well it’s not another girl and why I’m not getting too worked up that he’s left me because I trust him and I trust what he’s told me and drilled into my head. I don’t see being unable to talk as a reason to lose trust. Sure I get my head shoved up my ass from time to time and think like that but I eventually remember what he’s told me and pull myself out of it.

It seems like there’s something off because I started this blog when he was gone. I don’t have stories to post about the sex or the beatings because he’s been gone.  And mostly because a lot of the time I write my blog posts at night when I have nothing but time to sit and think and over think  and then my posts come out all twisted and upset because I’ve upset myself.  

I am young, but my maturity level is a lot higher than some of the 40 and 50 year olds I know. I am still at home because I’m taking some schooling and the plan I had made with master was to stay home until he got back and then move in with him. There’s no sense in me moving out for a couple months, going through all the crap to set that up only to have to repack everything, get rid of most of my stuff and move again. It’s just simpler for me to stay here. As far as control… not really. I pretty much run the house since my mother works and my father doesn’t cook and clean. And I am old enough that I do whatever I want to do whenever I want to do it. The only thing they control is really where I do it because I have no interest in driving. If I really want to go somewhere I walk but it would be the same at masters. If I wanted to go somewhere far enough he’d drive me or I’d walk.

It is a relationship. It’s just not one you’d choose or choose to stay in. The way you describe what you have with your wife, it’s basically roommates at this point. I wouldn’t choose to stay there, I couldn’t  and I think it’s great that you’ve found another relationship. But, this is my relationship… I have no interest in walking away or finding another one. No relationship is perfect, and only this couple weeks have been the only bump him and I have had so far. I don’t think it’s worth throwing away a relationship and man I love over. On top of the fact, he is the best guy I’ve dated, when he’s around or even able to text I am deliriously happy and I refuse to give that up when I don’t know what’s going on. It could be nothing and I’d be throwing away pretty much the only thing I value over it. Plus, I’m property. Property does not walk away, if I was truly unhappy… yes I’d go. But I’m not. I’m happy where I am, I’m just not happy with the situation right now.  

I’ve taken that long hard look over the last couple weeks. That’s how I’ve come to these conclusions. I’m not just spewing them out of anger or naivety or some crazy illusions I’ve dug myself into. If it turns out that we are done, then/.. It’ll suck, but I’ll deal with it. And I’ll know that I did everything I could to make it work. I’ll know that it wasn’t my fault I lost something so precious to me, it was his. I refuse to be responsible for breaking something in me that big when I don’t need to and it probably isn’t even necessary.  

I seem unhappy because there are days where I let it get to me more than others. Days where I do get upset. But those days are fairly rare. I’m usually able to pull myself out of it. I post here to vent and get things out so I don’t hold them in and get unhappy. I use this blog almost as a catharsis. I need to write somewhere to get these feelings and thoughts out… so I come here instead of letting them drive me crazy. I usually write here at night… I feel lonely at night because nobody is able to talk… that amplifies it.  

I’m on the path I want to be on right now. It’s not a pretty, easy, flowery path but none of them are all the time. Every path has a twist or a bump but that doesn’t mean it’s the wrong path or that you should jump ship and pick a new one. Master completely cares and nurtures me. Not the last couple months because it’s pretty hard when he’s miles away, and communication is hard. There were times he phoned and fell asleep instantly. I’ve been told that one day he walked into his house, paused to take his coat off and woke up 6 hours later on his knees on the couch, face buried in the arm because he was so tired he stopped for a second and fell asleep still standing. It’s hard for him right now. When he was here he was the most caring, loving person I’d ever met. He put me on a diet because he wants me healthy. He wants me to write because he knows I love to do. He’s offered to allow me to stay at home so I can write and start sending my stories out to publishers while he went to work and supported both of us. If I have a health scare (excluding the last one) he’s right there holding my hand, giving advice and trying to make it easier on me. He does this and many many more things. But its hard to write about a years worth of things on a blog. I don’t remember them all, some are too private to share. Right now he’s not around to do all of these things but it doesn’t mean he doesn’t and hasn’t done them. I haven’t been writing long enough to get all these things in. Plus I have trouble remembering these things in detail enough to write about them. I will write about such things when he gets back and we get back to the way we were, there’s just not much point right now when what I would write probably would make no sense. You have to remember that I don’t write everything here. This is just a tiny little sliver of our life, of my emotions. 

I completely get where you’re coming from though. Maybe I haven’t done a good enough job of explaining why I wont give him up, or how caring and amazing he really is to me in previous blog posts. I know this was a caring comment and not a snippy one and I’m taking it as such. Again, I apologize for my wording and it’s bluntness but lack of sleep does a number on the brain. 

edit**  I just realized I missed a paragraph. It hasn't always been one or two words. For the longest time we were constantly texting. He would phone when he was in the bathroom or when he was sleeping in teh van outside a store. It's just been the last couple weeks it's been like this. That's part of why I'm not insanely. Upset. If it had been the whole 6 months that he's been gone then yes, I would be. But it hasn't. This is fairly new and not like him. Which is why I know it's most likely work related. Even for the last month that its been one or two words he's always made sure I knew Iw as wanted, was his and that he was sorry. It's a relationship, it's just not an easy one... but no relationship worth anything is easy. If it's easy all the time then something is up because everybody fights, everybody has bumps in the road. Lack of communication the last little bit doesn't mean I don't have a relationship. It means that reality has set in on our relationship and that it can't be perfect all the time. I understand that.

Also, every single D/s couple is different. So saying that "even the strictest D/s relationships i know of don’t work that way…" doesn't really apply. No relationship is the same, no D/s relationship is run the same. Really, you can take the D/s right out of this and it would still be the same issues and answers as far as I'm concerned.


  1. re-posting my FB comment here so if I'm wrong...nilla can correct me.....

    I understand exactly where nilla is coming from, I've told you a lot of the same things. I don't think she is telling you that you are doing it wrong and that your relationship is a farce....she is worried that your being lead on by a guy who doesn't care enough any more to give you even 2 seconds while taking a dump to send a text message. I've said the same thing to you if you recall :P We are just worried that he is going to let you worry, wonder and be depressed, then hop back in like nothing happened and you'll put up with it because "he's a great guy." honey...great guys don't leave their girls (property or not!) hanging without a word ESPECIALLY when they have been in the hospital and very sick!

    We're not saying you NEVER had a relationship with him...but that maybe now...not so much anymore yanno? Does that make more sense? I know you wanna protect him and stand up for the good times but if the good times are gone and no where on the horizon....when is it too much? when do you say he's taking advantage of your willingness to wait, worry and stress? Where do you draw the line? We don't want to see you hurt is all sweetie.

  2. I get where she's coming from and I get where you're coming from too.

    It wont be a matter of just saying "Oh okay, welcome back master!" It's definitely going to be a conversation, I'm going to find out why he hasn't contacted me. What was going on etc and make it clear that it's not going to happen again. Atleast without a "hey, not gonna be able to talk the next couple weeks" I don't plan to just roll over for him when he comes back.

    I'm not making any decisions until I hear from him. I don't know what's going on. I don't know what's keeping him away. I'm not willing to get rid of an entire relationship when it could be something as stupid as his boss being there.

  3. That's all well and good but step outside of your shoes for a minute and look at it from out POV. All we keep seeing is you making every and any excuse for his behavior instead of the more rational "I'M FUCKING PISSED! THIS IS BULLSHIT! I'M SO GONNA GIVE HIM A PIECE OF MY MIND!" that anyone would be feeling on the inside.

    As far as not making any decisions until you hear from him....how long is too long? Weeks? Months? There has to a be a point where your willing to say "this is just too fucked up." We're not asking you to get rid of the relationship....we just don't want you to sit around for months waiting for a word.

    If I was in your shoes I would be calling Master every day until He picked up the phone or someone did. Or until He said "don't call anymore". I am not content to sit around and wait for acknowledgment. I am property, I am not a doormat. Weeks without so much as a "I'm busy" or "thinking of you" is just ridiculous and cruel. I don't want to see you hurt *hugs*

    Please don't be mad at us, I know I've been where you are now and I worry. I'm sure nilla knows what she's talking about as well, all we're trying to do is give you our experiences to fall back on, learn from and hopefully by doing so...avoid your own heartache. I hope like hell he isn't just being a massive douche and blowing you off. I really do. But if he is...know we will be right here threatening to kick his ass and send you his balls via fedex. Yanno...for souvenirs.

  4. I'm not mad at you. I get it... and honestly... I fell exactly like you do. I am pissed... I just know that losing my shit isn't going to help anything. I have sent him angry messages. I have called him several times and left several messages on his machine. I text him everyday all day. I'm not just sitting back waiting to be acknowledged. I'm not a doormat at all... I'm just trying to be rational about this. Everytime I've gotten upset with him about something... it has turned out to be nothing. Maybe this time it's something but me getting angry and being miserable and pissy every day over it is pointless.

    A few weeks, maybe a month. I don't know the exact time limit but I know its not endless. I'll know it when I reach it.

    Hahah, thanks. I'll bronze them and put them over the fireplace. Thing is, I love him... whether I walk now, walk a month from now, find out he's left me or whatever the case if it ends it... I'll be hurt whether its by his hand or mine. I let him in really far. Further than anybody, It would hurt. It's unavoidable but ya know, souvenirs would help :)

  5. well now that we've got that settled, the only question remaining is do you bronze or silver should this whole thing go tits up? :D I'm partial to silver but yanno, I'm pagan....I like all things shiny and silver

  6. Silver I think..... They can be my jingle balls...The cautionary tale.

  7. *chokes on dinner* ROFL!! I once told my ex that if I ever caught him cheating on me...I'd cut his cock off and bronze it. So he could never use it again but I could ;)

  8. I'm back to reply. Sephi summed up and confirmed that i wasn't being bitchy, but caring.

    That is so true.

    Here's a little bit of nilla.

    I'm persistant.
    very persistant
    extreeeemly persistant.

    I know Sir is busy prepping for this big work thing. I know it, and by next Friday it will be done and we will continue w/our D/s relationship with a bit more...oomph for lack of a better word.

    I still expect to hear from him a few times a day. I text less to him right now, which meant only 9 txts yesterday.
    By bedtime, after not talking to him for 2 days, i needed a call. I send a text saying that. Then i call. Immediate voice mail means his phone is 'off' .. maybe at the gym.
    i wait 30 minutes.
    i call again.
    4 rings, then voice mail. i hang up. I know he's looked at hte phone, and chosen to not answer it.
    i wait another 30 minutes (now i'm up well past my sleepy time) and call again.
    voice mail (he's turned the bloody thing off, again)

    i wait 3 minutes and call again. As i'm hearing the voice mail pick up, my phone buzzes.

    It's Sir. Calling me.

    because he sensed my need for him. He put down his shit, and called because he knew i needed him. not for anything important mind you, just because his subbie needed stroking.

    He was better for the call too. By the end, the tension was out of his voice, he laughed several times, and i fell quickly to sleep, assured once again that this wonderful Dom cares for me, wants me, needs to have contact with me. Maybe not quite so much as i am needy of him, but i suspect, almost as much.

    This is what i hope for, for you, serene. Some Dom who can break from his day because he knows that YOU are as important to him as all the other stuff.

    sucking up a day hereor there isn't all that bad for us subbies. And he does text me at least twice a day, minimum.

    Know that my thoughts are always about your happiness. Not that my way is better, or you're doing it 'wrong' for as you say, there are so many ways...one that's right for every couples needs.

    but neglect? that's just not a working thing.
    persistance, serene.



  9. He's done that. If I let him know I need him he's phoned pretty much instantly. There have been several times where I Was just about at the breaking point and I hadn't even told him and he phoned because he knows me that well. There have been several times where I've been fine and he's phoned me because he missed me and needed me even if it means that he didn;t sleep that night. I do have that, have had that.

    Thats part of why I'm still here. Because I know what he's like (It's just really hard to explain that here and not miss details.) and this is not him. I've known him for years.. I know this guy, this is not like him at all. I've been told people change... and that's true. But I know this isn;t somethign he just decided to do.

    I've let him know I need him, I've left messages, I've phoned, I've sent a lot of texts. I am persisting. I'm just persisting against an unknown force right now.