Wednesday, April 7, 2010


That is exactly how I feel today. I'm just kind

I had a friend come over today, it's only the second time I've actually been able to spend time around this particular friend though I do talk to him a lot and tell him pretty much everything(He knows of master and the relationship there). We've known each other for quite some time, up until a few months ago he was living a few hours away and we never managed to see each other. We spent most of the time he was here watching movies and laughing at the insanity of my family. He thinks we're entertaining, poor mislead soul.

As I have said before, I am not a people person. I can communicate well with people if I am comfortable with them, I am not yet comfortable with him in person. I spent most of the day getting up and walking around because I was uncomfortable just sitting, most of what came out of my mouth was sarcastic or I just remained quiet. I hide in sarcasm when I'm uncomfortable sometimes. Unfortunately the only way to fix this low comfort level is spending more time around him(well, as we discovered with master there are other ways to over come it quickly but that's just not an option). Thing is, I don't know why but I get nervous when I know I'll be spending time with him. Theres really no reason for it, he's a nice guy and is really protective of me so I know he wouldn't say or do anything to hurt me, but it's still there.

In all honesty, if you're not in my family(even then it's iffy at times), or master... I am uncomfortable around you. There are exceptions made to these rules but they require a lot of time spent and it has only happened with one other person.  That friendship ended badly and I wouldn't want it back but I've realized tonight that I miss the bond that was there with her (the ex-friend).  I for the life of me do not want to go to bed alone tonight. When her and I were friends if I was feeling like this, or even if I wasn't she spent the night here. For about two years there was pretty much always two people sleeping in my bed. I miss that, it wasn't sexual it was just comforting to wake up and be snuggled up to somebody. It was nice to not have to sleep alone when I didn't want to.

I spent all of yesterday cleaning, I spent today showering and getting ready, then spending time with a friend and curled up in the chair helping my mother with books. Tomorrow I don't know what I am going to do, I'm running out of things to do and it's way too windy to go outside.

Part of the reason I don't want to sleep alone is I haven't heard from master at all in two days and I'm starting to get that panicky feeling again. It's always unjustified but it rears its head regardless. It's been a month and a week? maybe more since I've had an actual conversation with master. I miss him, I miss him a lot. Today I've switched back and forth between feeling hollow like somebody has scooped all of my insides out to feeling like a 400 pound man is sitting on my chest, his hand wrapped around my heart trying to pop it.  Lately I've just been going through the motions, I don't enjoy what I'm doing, but I don't hate it either. It just is. Seven months in total, and over a month of little to no attention from the most important person in my world is rough. I honestly feel like a valley right now. Once lush and green. Full of life and colour, plants and wildlife everywhere. All centered and relying on the stream running through it to keep everything alive. Without that stream everything dies, it nourishes and nurtures everything. I've lost my stream.

The tears I've been fighting all day finally caught up to me in that last paragraph. Damn it.

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