Thursday, June 21, 2012

'Splodey Loins

As I mentioned Cael has been awesome lately. We ended up playing a bit the other night. I can't help it. *hangs head* I can't get enough of him. It's like an addiction. The day after I expected not to hear from him. He had told me he would be busy so I assumed I wouldn't hear from him until Sunday. He messaged me on his lunch break, and then all the way home and all the way to his meeting and then again after his meeting. This is something even three weeks ago wouldn't have happened. (Of course he has been getting progressively better.) He messaged to check up on me.. make sure I was okay and didn't have any regrets or was feeling off from what happened after having said no for so long. I told him I was feeling a little insecure and I told him why. He said he'd fix the issue I was having when he got home that night. Of course he didn't because I'm sure he sat down and passed out but I know he's going to fix it.. I don't doubt it anymore. We also talked about how he'd been hot and cold on me for a long time. He hasn't done it in quite a while excusing the silence we had for a bit that was for a good reason. He's been really good actually. He's even been telling me when he'll be away or busy. This pretty much means the world to me. Being so far apart it's the only way I know the difference between him being busy and not answering and something going really wrong so he's not answering. The amount of effort he's putting into this... how hard he's trying.. it sounds really stupid but when I think about it or talk to him about it I actually tear up. It means THAT much.

I'm happy lately. I've had a couple people try to take me back down off that high and for the most part I understand why but it also bugs me. I know what he's done in the past. So does he, believe me, I've told him what he's done and how it upset me. He hasn't once denied it or tried to defend himself. He knows he had problems, and that he hurt me with them and he's trying to fix that and he's apologized a lot. A lot of those hurts that were made are healing, getting less stingy. He's become my safe spot again, and I found out the other day that I'm his. It's reassuring and ...right. I like that I'm where he goes when he's upset. I love being that for him. He's also told me that he wants me, and can't stay away from me, all those feelings I have towards him he has them towards me. He's never told me any of that before. I feel like I matter now, like I'm where I'm supposed to be. *shrugs* Just been a good week so far.

Speaking of a good week I had friends visiting the other day. I haven't seen this friend in years and we spent a good time talking about her relationship with her fiance.  For as explosive as the relationship with Cael was he never directly set out to hurt me like her fiance is. He's told her that he hates her, that he doesn't love her anymore and is only there for their baby girl. He's threatened to walk out, forced her to have her daughter when she said she wasn't ready and then told her he wasn't sure he wants her anymore, and then went as far as to tell her that if she is pregnant again like she suspects if she gets an abortion he'll leave her... even though he doesn't want the first child anymore and she's not even able to support herself let alone a baby plus another on the way. I kinda wanna hurt him..  a lot. However, I had an awesome time with her around and playing with her baby. She asked me to be an aunt since she's an only child. So I guess technically she's my niece. That's kinda cool. I'm excited about it. I love spending time with them. I'm definitely going to have to do some more of it.

Cael and I have talked about babies. Most recently when my cervix was having it's moment. We both agreed it will be a long, long time before we have them and I'll have a ring on my finger and we'll be stable again before it happens. I refuse to sacrifice our relationship to have a baby. I always have. But.. after spending some time with my niece gods I want one! I'm hoping spending lots of time with her will erase that particular want. That's totally plausible right?

No comments:

Post a Comment