Tuesday, June 19, 2012

Water Works

Last night I had one of those moments that completely overwhelmed me. One of those moments where you realize how much you love somebody, and how much they love you. I was not prepared for it. At all. I was talking to Cael and he was playing around as he tends to do, teasing me and baiting me trying to get me to engage his evil. Yes. He has one. Then out of nowhere he suddenly gets serious and tells me that he's worried about me, and wants me to start doing better and so on. He explained why and that he knows I've been tense and stressed and not just about stuff with him. And quite honestly it floored me. He'd never done something like that before, yes he'd say he was sad when I was sick or frown when I was upset. But, he's never picked up on something like this before I have and told me about it and made me see it and try to fix it. I'm sure it was there before but it was just never used, by the time we got there he'd withdrawn *shrugs* So, seeing that he really does know me that well, know me better than I know myself. Seeing that he really does care a lot, and love me and want to help me... it's all kind of new...and extremely reassuring. We talked quite a bit about that and I ended up in tears. Both from that revelation and everything else he'd said to me earlier that day. He basically told me when we get back together and have that trust back he wants more control that he had last time, more structured control not just letting it flow like last time, essentially he wants his hand at my throat guiding me at all times. When we were together, I wanted that. I wanted that a lot, and I never told him that so that he's wanting it now is... amazing and overwhelming. Part of me so relieved because I naturally respond like that with him. The other part of me is scared, that I'll fail and not be good enough, that he'll withdraw again because that's what happened last time and this way will take a lot more effort and commitment from him (which by the way, we talked about and we're good,) and quite honestly a little part of me is vaguely scared of him. Well, that's not fair, I'm not scared of him. I just know his anger fully now, and that's a lot of trust to put into somebodies hands that up until now I haven't had to do. Part of the withdrawing was I was basically dominating myself for a long time, it's ... overwhelming. But at the same time, it'll probably be easier to get there this time. I was at that point last time where I wanted under his boot all the time, but this time he's a lot more involved with me.. more attentive and caring and I know beyond a doubt now that he loves me. I think that'll help. It's just been a really long time since not only we've had that kind of relationship but since I alone have. I want it but it's worrisome and a little scary until you're in it. It always is.

...but anyways, after we talked about me being stressed and I started crying he told me he wanted to hug me. I don't think he's ever said that to me. It meant a ridiculous amount to me. He's getting better, and getting to be himself again. He's getting to be that guy that I fell for years ago, not the closed off one I've had for over a year. It's like everything is new again. I feel loved and cared for and safe. ... and I'm crying again. It's completely impossibly to explain the emotions.. the amount everything means. This is why I stayed. I knew somewhere in there was this guy. It feels safe, and beyond right. Even now when we aren't really together, it feels a lot better than it ever did before. It feels wrong to be away from him, and wrong is a complete understatement but even with that it feels better. It's like some little part of me that was holding her breath, can finally breathe again. He really is home. It may take months upon months for him to be stable enough to date again.. but that's okay. I know where I stand with him and for the first time I'm not really worried about it. All that reassurance I needed before ... I don't really need it anymore because for the first time ever I know exactly how he feels because he's finally telling me. There are totally some tense sticky points with him still, but I'm happy. I'm always happy when I'm talking to him, and when things are like this I stay happy even when he's at work and can't talk or has meetings. I'm more secure with him now even though we aren't dating than I was when we were because he's around more, he's insanely attentive lately and just.. his usual self. I love it, and I love him pieces. That's why I'm crying right now, yet again got smacked in the face with it. I suppose it's better than having a penis do it. *ahem* Almost.

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