Yes, I am double posting. Amazing what sitting and thinking can do.
I realized that with Caels new plan for control it would be a lot easier if I consented to sex right away. We could be together sooner, we could have sex.. But, I can't do that. It's not because I don't want to, god knows I do. He affects me like nobody else ever has. All he has to do is walk in a room and my panties will splash when they hit the ground without him even touching me. I just can't justify doing it right away without the security there. Without knowing that we're okay...really okay. That I'm back home and staying there. And quite honestly that I can trust him with everything again, be that vulnerable and know it's okay.. it's safe.(However, I'm not entirely discounting it either because I know us. I'm just putting out there that it may not happen the first time we're face to face again. There's a lot to repair.) He's working at it really hard, he's gaining that trust back, he's talking to me more again. He's slowly letting me back in to things. There are some things he's not, I know he has access to Internet accounts that he has me blocked on from before. And part of me is bothered, the rest of me gets it. I know there are things on there he doesn't want me seeing from before, be it things he's said or timing being off from when he was cutting me out. Either way.. it bugs me, but I know it'll be dealt with before we get to that whole sex thing. It's an odd understanding really. Just like I know right now if he falls off the wagon and has sex he's not going to tell me. He knows it will be a melt down on my part, that's why we're apart. I spent a long time thinking.. and yes, this separation is for him to work on himself and get back in control. But it's not just for him. He knows me. He knows me well. He knew I wouldn't walk away from him no matter how many times he had a set back. He knew I'd let it tear me apart before I left him. I have insane commitment and loyalty where he is concerned. So, he did it for me in some respects as well as himself and our relationship. I know part of his reasoning was protecting me. I also know part of why he's testing out his new control theory so hard is for that exact same reason. So he doesn't end up hurting me, hurting us. Plus I don't think he wanted to completely have us deteriorate to the point there was no option to even have an "Us," anymore once he was okay. I don't know. Some days I feel really alone without him in the capacity that he used to be in. Other days I know it's his way or protecting me/us (and even himself because I know he gets upset when I'm upset.)and I'm okay.
Was there a point to this? No. I just needed to ramble and everybody seems to be in bed so I couldn't ramble at them. This is clearly what a blog is for!