Tuesday, March 16, 2010


It's been a few days since my last post, this is because for the last two weeks I have basically been batshit crazy and it all erupted the last few days.

Master and I haven't talked in two weeks aside from a one word response via text if he has the spare minute, some days he does not. This has been rough on me, mostly because he didn't even have time to explain to me why we weren't talking.

Turns out it is because his new boss has been kicking his ass and he hasn't had a minute to catch his breath. He sent me a text at 4:30 this morning explaining that and that is all I have heard for the day. BUT... that is okay, I know what is going on now, I'm not in a panick anymore. I was good for the first week, but two weeks is a long time to be in the dark and it was definitely getting to me. I knew logically, knowing him, that it wasn't anything bad... but the front of the mind doesn't always listen to the back of the mind and eventually the back of the mind begins doubting what it knows. I've been in a state of bawling and worry, and fear for the last week or so which was finally ended when I made it abundantly clear that I was a wreck and needed to know what the hell is going on. In all fairness, I generally handle not being able to speak for a while quite well so master probably didn't even think twice about it (or not had time to think twice about it) but two weeks is a long time... he now knows that.

Knowing now that it was just SD (silly disorder) that had me worked up makes me feel a little stupid but ya know, I'd rather be stupid and demand answer than be scared and in the dark. That has been my philosophy with any guy I date or any friend I have, I'm a very blunt person and some relationships haven't survived because of it. However, I don't put much weight into a person that can't handle truth, answer questions or deal with reality... if you would rather pull a blanket over your eyes and hum until things either blow up or live your life always wondering.... chances are we will not get along. I've learned to deal with it, so can everybody around me.

I have learned lately that I can be a very hard person to get along with sometimes. In the last few months I've had several people tell me things that I had always known about myself, but they were things that master never seen in me so they got dismissed a little bit as maybe I was just pretending to be this way. Turns out I'm not.

I was sitting in the car with my mom today and we were talking about how master and I get along so well and I was attempting to explain to her how hilarious and interesting things can get. (which will gradually get worse as I get more and more comfortable master :D ) I finally just said it was like a slightly calmer personality of hers (my mother) and her usual personality mixing together. (My family is insane, my crazy has been generations in the making.) She looked at me and asked who the calmer personality was, I said that it was me of course. ... She laughed at me.

After a year of master telling me that I only act tough and angry and stubborn, etc. I was doubting myself a bit, maybe it started out as a fake it until you make it thing but it's not anymore. In the last couple months I have been told by friends and family (who I really didn't think noticed by the way) that I can be very blunt, cold, stubborn, clever, angry, and abrasive person. Which is completely true. It takes quite a bit to piss me off, but once I am there... it's not pretty. A guy friend of mine once told me that if I get angry enough, my eyes actually go darker and I can be very scary. He thinks I can be scary because I don't have mindless rage. I have a very clever, vindictive and cold anger. Cold anger is always much more deadly than hot. I'm not one of those people who can be used, and pissed off and then have an apology given and forgive everything. In fact, I forgive very little once I reach a certain point.

If I don't like somebody, I will put up with them, I will be polite. But, as my grandmother put it "if they cross a certain line, you have their throats," and it is entirely true. I don't put up with very much, and when I do, there is a reason.

Over Christmas dinner, my cousin was making cracks at my brother... we don't always get along but ya know, making cracks at a 14-year-old kid who is shy is hell and fairly damn sensitive, when you know he wont say anything back because there are people he doesn't know at the table is just low. So I came back with a few things, when I was done my cousin sat quietly for a while and didn't say a word. It pisses him right off that I can out think him, and it is something I take great pride in. Before that he was bothering my mom about being cold and not forgetting anything. She pointed at me and said "If you want to see cold, I'd piss her off again." And he looked at me like I had two heads.

The reason I am writing this, I received a couple emails, one from family and another from an old friend complaining about me cutting people out of my life, my personality, and everything I mentioned above and how I could be a better person and have more friends if I changed.

Am I cold? Yes, but not to everyone and to be honest, I laughed at these emails. I haven't talked to these people in years, because of various reasons and they come out of the blue to attack me?  No, I did not send an email back because just being these two people is punishment enough.

No I do not have 300 Facebook friends, no I don't have a group of 40 people I hang out and why? Because I have waded through people full of bullshit to find the few true friends I have. Because I do not change my personality and my likes according to which group of people I hang out with and finally, because I would be hard pressed to find a group of 40 people who I could stand to be around longer than twenty minutes. I know people, I see through bullshit and it pisses me off so I just avoid it.

I come from at least 3 very strong women. Outspoken women. Women who are more known for standing up and punching a guy out rather than sleeping with him. I am proud of this fact and I take great pride in being a bitch when I have to be because I have been taught when to keep my mouth shut and when enough is enough. I don't go out looking for people to be bitchy to,  and I can't help it that stupidity multiples. If I could there would be a hell of a population drop.


Speaking of such things, I really want to say thank you to Sephi for talking to me and trying to help over the last week. 95% of my support came from her when everybody else seemed too busy to listen. So, to Sephi I give the HOORAY FOR YOU! award of which I just made up :)


Ps. I just found this girl and normally I'm not a fan of pop music but I love this.


I'm in love with Being Awesome and The Word lately.


  1. Aww any time sweetie :) Sometimes its the one person who makes all the difference between flying off the handle bat shit crazy (been there) and end up over-thinking a small issue (done that) which never ever seems small at the time and I can totally respect that :P

    Besides, us crazy cold hearted folk gotta stick together! They didn't crown me the ice queen for nuffin *struts*

  2. Yeah, too bad I started out crazy :)

    Ice queen! Do you have a crown and dress made of icicles and frost?! If so, licking is allowed right? (Laughs at thought of people trailing behind you with their tongues stuck to you)

  3. Why, yes....yes I do :D I always wondered wtf was tugged the train of my dress...it was all them folks stumbling to keep up!