Sunday, March 21, 2010


Still no word.

I have been asked why I stay with master if we barely see each other, how I can do it and still want to be here with him. Some of my own family are asking similar questions, they're worried about how controlling he is with me and that I've been sad lately and not going out like I used to.

I'm addressing these things here even though none of those people will read this mostly because I need somewhere to vent.

Master has been gone 6 months (7 months? Long ass time? Same crap different pile people. It all sucks...erm.. stinks? Anyhow, ) and I didn't get to see much of him before he left but ya know what? It really doesn't matter to me. It wouldn't matter to me if he was gone a year or more. He is who I am with and he is who I intend to stay with. He treats me better than anybody else ever has and allows me to be myself. It may not be something he takes well to but he knows that I love him, and I know that he loves me (He's always managed to say it without ever saying it, sly fox that one. Though "devil" suits him better.) I absolutely refuse to just walk away from my relationship just because it's being challenged right now. If you walk away every time something gets hard how much did that relationship really mean to you and how much does your loyalty really mean? On top of the that, I actually cannot walk away. I'm owned, I'm property....that doesn't just walk away. I know if I really wanted to go daddy would let me, but I don't. Not one fibre of my being wants to leave. I am happier now than I ever have been even though he is thousands of miles away and we can't talk right now. As for how I can do it? It's hard, but daddy is more than worth it. If I didn't think that I wouldn't still be here.

One of my rules requires me to text master before I eat, this rule hasn't been happening for obvious reasons but when it was it didn't matter where I was I would stop and ask. Because of this my family has asked about it. I finally just told them that he was helping me with my diet and we figured that if I can't work up the courage to ask for food than I probably shouldn't be having what I was. Which, is the truth really. They also question why I'm suddenly willing to move between 2 and 5 hours away from home, why I'm suddenly acting girlier and cutting my hair shorter. My grandmother cautioned me about marrying a controlling man, my dad told me to be careful, that some guys act like they own you when you move in with them(took everything I had not to laugh and say that he already owns me). It's nice that they care, but it's really none of their business. They all talk about meeting master and as long as he ____ or _____ they wont have a problem with him. I just shake my head and walk away. These are people who have no right and no qualifications to even be offering relationship advice. Nobody seems to grasp the fact that I don't care what they think of him. What matters is what I think.

All of these things are making moving hours away sound like a great idea. Distance from the drama, from the two facedness and insanity.  Trying to force me into things and telling me what to do does not go over well, all it does is make me want to spend less and less time with these people.  I'm not five, and yes you may have 20 or 30 years on me but my maturity level is much higher than some of the 40 year olds in my life, age does not give anybody the right to tell anybody what to do.


Now, onto the post I intended to make.

Today I was supposed to hang out with a friend. This friend never showed up and hasn't been answering texts all day. I don't particularly care but if you aren't going to show up at least send a text saying as such. It's possible he got busy.. or forgot or got nervous. Last time we spent time together he told me that I make him nervous. When I asked why he said  because "you're you." I don't know what the hell that means but either way, I ended up doing random things today. I did a little typing, some cleaning, made cabbage rolls and did some flyer shopping. I found a small air purifier for $20...extremely cheap. Even the biggest one if only $50, any other ones I have found have started at $60. Hopefully that will help with my allergies and such.

Other than that I have done some thinking. I've decided to try a partial raw foods diet. Partial because I know I will eventually have to eat cooked food again(and raw meat makes me cringe) and I know how sick some people have gotten when they switch back. I don't care for that to happen. I'm hoping to take out some meat and grains from my diet and add in more fruit and veggies and nuts. My weight is still stuck and I'm hoping this helps. I honestly think part of my problem is that master has been gone so long and unable to talk for the last bit. I'm slacking. Pouting is also not good, it generally means I'm not into doing my exercises and eat things I shouldn't sometimes. The last month I have been sleeping in till 11am a few days in there I even slept until 2pm. Considering before all of this I used to wake up at 9am every morning naturally, the only conclusion I have is a tiny bit of depression. I need to start kicking my ass into gear before he comes back and does it though.


  1. is it possible to take a morning walk? That often helps jump start the whole attitude. I usually walk after supper to shake off the "woolies" of the day.

    Also, maybe a hobby? knitting/crocheting? volunteer work? something to take your mind off the bs swirling around you.

    my 2 cents (and i sound just like the mom i am, don't i?!)

    as to the naysayers about you and Master? Fuck 'em. Sometimes instead of being angry, a bit of turnabout..."Wow, thanks for the advice about me and X...Now, here's what i think about you and YYY...." Usually makes 'em slink away. (grins) and that can be a good thing!


  2. The things with walks, is that I don't really like going alone. I feel weird going alone and the only people I can go with are family and then I get above comments. I'm trying to work it out so I can go atleast once a week with my mother but seeing as she works nights that's proving to to be difficult.

    I have work around here I need to do and I plan on planting a small patio garden so I have to figure out when and how to do that. I have things I can do, I just haven't thrown myself into them yet. Soon though, motivation has just been lacking the last little bit.

    I don't get angry with them, it just annoys me that they judge when they have no room to and god forbid I came back with something. I'm a grandchild, a neice... I'm not considered an adult and nothing I can do will convince them otherwise. I'm treated as a child, but expected to act like an adult and get cut off at the knees when I do. It's just becoming easier to spend less and less time with them. I seem to be old enough for them to complain to, and listen to their judgments on everything and everyone and to watch them all make huge mistakes.. but I'm not old enough to give advice, lead my own life and make my own decisions. *Shrugs* Just the way most of my family seems to act.