I forgot to take a picture of my dinner last night, by the time I was done typing, done cooking and finally able to just sit... getting back on the computer was the last thing on my mind. Even today I don't want to be here,but I have to.
I go through my day with my nose buried in books and able to ignore everything around me. Nights though, nights suck. I curl up in bed and it hits me that daddy and I haven't been able to really talk to each other in a month. A month is a long time. Before this when I would mention him to other people I had to watch. It was more natural for me to call him daddy than his real name. If I didn't watch it would slip out. Now, his real name is becoming more natural to me. I don't like that.
Right now, I'm faking my way through the day, text master whenever I can hoping for a response, crawl into bed at night, text some more, tear up a little and then fight to go to sleep. I'm having trouble sleeping because I miss him, I miss his control and I miss home. He is home to me. I lay awake thinking (despite my best efforts) about him, it doesn't seem to matter how tired I am either.
Theres nothing I would like to do more than to just curl up and sleep and wait for him to come home. But I can't. I don't have that luxury. I have things I need to get done, I'm expected to get up and behave and do these tasks. And I will, as much as I hate it I will.
Now, at the risk of becoming even more sobby I'm ending this here. It may be a few days before I post again, I hate whining and I seem to be doing an awful lot of it lately. I'd like to wait until this subsides.