Saturday, March 27, 2010

Take my keys 'cause later you'll be driving my drunk ass home.

Am I drinking? No, I'm not allowed to drink. (Caloric intake and all) It's from a song that just seems to be able to put me in a bit of a better mood. Maybe because it's a little smug? Seems I'm partial to smug *Looks in masters direction (Yes, I can look that far. I have Go-Go-Gadget eyeballs.)* By the way, the fact that I'm shit with direction and am probably not looking anywhere near masters direction does not factor in here. I always glare in masters direction over my right shoulder so that's just where he is damn it!

I'm not particularly in a better mood, I'm just slightly giddy. Being awake over 12 hours, staring at books and a computer screen will do that to ya.

I've decided something, as long as master is gone... I am going to have a shit mood, but I just have to pick myself up and not dwell in it all the time. Generally I'm pretty good at this, but the last month has knocked me on my ass pretty damn hard.

Sitting here just before I started this post I realized why my diet is shit lately. Master isn't in control right now, I am. (He of course is in charge but he's been too busy to control and take charge of things like he normally does) Without reporting and asking for permission (which I'm still supposed to do but for a while there texting and getting no response just upset me, I need to start doing it again) or having to pass my exercises by him,.....really, just without him being there, in control, supportive and ever-present... I'm floundering right now(did anybody else just picture the fish from the little mermaid? I seriously can't be the only one am I?). I start out good in the morning and lose it at night because he's not right behind me, right there with me. He still supports me, I know he does, that's not the issue. The issue is that he is the driving force....without that force I'm either stalled or sliding backwards.  This is totally not an excuse by the way, just something that I've realized. I'm moving forward with the work I need to get done but the weight... the weight is not going anywhere except back on lately. I lose a pound or two, then gain it back..sometimes plus a pound. I think the reason for this is, the work is mine.... he has nothing to do with that unless I need something from him and ask. The weight... the weight he is a huge part of and that part is missing right now. I'm having trouble finding my motivation without him there. The number on the scale scares me, yes. But that doesn't seem to be enough... how sad is that!?

Him being gone this long was trying from the start, but this last month.. I've learnt me some things.  FIRST I am beyond a doubt submissive. I have a stubborn streak a mile wide and am independent and can hold my own... but once I give something up to's his. I have given all of me. Anything that he controlled and has had to draw back from (Which I am not upset about by the way, he needs to work, he's going to be busy, I understand that and it doesn't upset me.) I don't know what to do with at first when I'm suddenly back in control. Some of those things come back easily, others do not such as diet(snarles). SECOND Master is the most important person in my life. I can go without speaking to other people for weeks, sometimes months before I realize we haven't talked. Not self-absorbed, just not a big people person. (Shocking, I know! I can hear the gasps!) Master is the only man/person for a lot of things for me. Things I previously hid from everybody and kept for myself, he knows of, has done, seen or will in the future. He is in my bubble. I have two bubbles, there is the big bubble with family, friends and the like in it though they are few. (Some are close to that bubble but not quite in.... kinda like when you were five and pressed your face against the windows that your mother just cleaned and your face was all smushed and distorted? yeah, that's what most people are like) Then, there is the second bubble. A year and a half ago that bubble was my bubble. There was nobody in that tiny bubble but me. Daddy is now in that bubble.

I will end this post with a quote *Clears throat*  "Bubbles! Bubbles! Bubbles! My Bubbles!"

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