Home

This isn't the question post I planned on doing today, but it needs to come out.

I spent most of today exercising in one form or another and it's given me a lot of time to think.

I had a total break down last night. I was talking to Cael and as I usually do I was letting my brat out to play with him. He was teasing and doing a facking good job of it because I ended up pouting, thinking he had forgotten our game. He hadn't, but when he apologized I started bawling. Why? Well, I had teared up when I thought he didn't remember.. so I think in some ways I'm still dealing with emotions from the surgery he had. Another reason, and possibly the larger reason is that wall I had stuck him behind when he left broke. It fucking shattered. When he left I walled him up and sealed it as tightly as I could so that it wouldn't hurt. I thought we were done for good, that he wasn't coming back. I lost my best friend, I lost my master, and I lost the person I loved more than anything. So when he was back to his teasing self last night, back to the guy he used to be, and back to me...something just snapped and I bawled. I'm crying now for fuck sakes.

I think I've been holding that in a long time. He hasn't been himself in a long time. The last year, he has been an asshole.. or prick as he called himself. Believe me, this will be no surprise to him. There were moments where he was himself, but they were few and far between. And I'm glad that person is back. That's the person I fell for so long ago. That's the person I want to spend the rest of my life with. He told me that he doesn't know what I see in him after everything that happened. I see in him what I've always seen. It just disappeared for a while, but I knew it was still there. Trying to get out from under everything else that had buried it. I see the guy that goes out of his way to take his little cousin to a movie. I see the guy that protects the people he cares about. I see the guy that once you have trust and love he wears his heart on his sleeve. I see the guy that has been there for me since I was sixteen.. even on the first day we met. One of the first things he ever said to me were "Tell your new friend Cael what's wrong." I see the guy that went out of his way to put me back together after B tore me apart. I see the guy comforts me and makes me smile when I'm upset. I see the guy that makes me feel safe.

I see the guy that :
Enjoys my neurotic ways because he has his own.
Sends me comic book related texts half asleep.
Watches cartoons.
Worked really hard for his job.
Is responsible, and put together.
Wants to move in with me, marry me, and have kids with me.
Goes out of his way even if he hates doing it to help his parents, and even their friends.
Watches TBBT and quotes it any chance he gets, but denied liking it just to bug me for months.
Is going to therapy and working on himself so he's okay.
Is working on us, and trying the hardest that I've ever seen him try. 


I don't really think there is any way to say how proud I am of him for everything he's doing right now. Even less to tell him how much I appreciate it all. How much I value it all.

I jokingly told him today that I'd have to tie him to drag him down the aisle and he laughed. Then I said I didn't think I'd actually have to tie him, that he loved me too much. ... and he agreed. That? Means as much to me as him cutting out the other girls, getting help for himself, and telling me he loves me. That is what I want. That's what I've always wanted... and I think he's finally decided that's what he wants as well. And that? Is an invaluable thing to me. Him finally admitting it, even more so.

This? All of this is why I came back. It's why I love him, and it's why I plan to spend my life with him.

Sometimes you love somebody because of who they are, sometimes you love them in spite of it. For a year it was in spite of, now again, it's because of.

*Breathes out*

So, long story short Cael is back.

We spent two days talking back and forth and just from that I can see the changes in him. If this is what therapy does for him and he keeps things moving forward like this then we'll be fine. If not..I refuse to go backwards. I just wont do it.

I'm not going into details because some of them are really personal. To sum up... he essentially gave me everything I've been asking for for over a year.. and I'm pretty sure there was a silver platter to go with it as well. We're starting over in most regards. A clean slate for the most part. I think having over a month apart actually helped. He straightened his head around and I was able to let go of a lot of hurts. So far so good. I'm a lot more relaxed this time.. not as tightly strung and worried. I think part of it is he came back to me.. HE wanted ME back. And everything is now monogamous. My insecurity there has been totally wiped out which in the long run will help us.

I know there are a lot of my friends that think I'm an idiot for going back. I can live with that. I know I can survive without him now. I know if things get bad again I can leave if I have to. I also know a good portion of my friends don't give a shit and still think I'm an idiot.. again.. I can live with it. Not their choice. I know I'd regret it if I had told him no, I'd always wonder. I really hope it works out, I really hope I don't regret going back. He sounds like himself again, he sounds like my Cael.

We're not doing the BDSM thing for a while. On my part because he needs to build the trust back up, and on his because he's still sorting things out for himself. But.. it's nice. He told me he loved me. He never has before. He's making an effort, and trying. I'm actually proud of him for the effort he's putting into Us and into himself.

Shleep

I haven't forgotten your March questions. I will answer the ones I have left tomorrow, so if you have any send them in! 

And yes, I will answer the Cael question tomorrow. You guys are on your shit.

For now though? I'm going to bed. I didn't sleep much last night for obvious reasons.

Men.

So, Cael messaged me tonight. I haven't talked to him since he blew up at me. He apologized, a lot and took the blame for things and told me he misses me and wants me to come back even if it's just as a friend.

I've been thinking. Lets face it, I've done nothing but think since I opened the email. I almost deleted it without opening it too. He's email has been sending me spam. I assumed it was all the same. Something made me open it though.

I think I know what I'm going to do but I'm not entirely sure yet. I told him I needed some time to process it all and he said take all the time I needed. So I am.

And that's where I am right now. Taking my time and thinking. Processing. Dissecting my gut reaction, and the reaction I had after some thinking. Two different reactions. I'm getting in the tub, and either thinking some more or just spacing out.

Calgon Take Me Away?

Ugh.

Too much vodka. Post tomorrow. Guhnight.

Post.

I know I'm supposed to be posting everyday... but guys... I really don;t have anything to say. I went grocery shopping today... and I dropped several things in the store. None of them broke open thank gods. Then I came home and dropped several things here. Nothing broken again. I got new nail polish.. it's called Caribbean Frost. Just lately I've gotten back into nail polish. It makes me happy, the colors make me happy. I've also started wearing make up again. Not every day because I just don't have the patience for that, but more than I used to.

See? Nothing. I am really starting to feel insanely boring. Thanks blog.

Best day Ever!

My favorite author talked to me on twitter today. My whole frieken year is made.

That is all.