This isn't the question post I planned on doing today, but it needs to come out.
I spent most of today exercising in one form or another and it's given me a lot of time to think.
I had a total break down last night. I was talking to Cael and as I usually do I was letting my brat out to play with him. He was teasing and doing a facking good job of it because I ended up pouting, thinking he had forgotten our game. He hadn't, but when he apologized I started bawling. Why? Well, I had teared up when I thought he didn't remember.. so I think in some ways I'm still dealing with emotions from the surgery he had. Another reason, and possibly the larger reason is that wall I had stuck him behind when he left broke. It fucking shattered. When he left I walled him up and sealed it as tightly as I could so that it wouldn't hurt. I thought we were done for good, that he wasn't coming back. I lost my best friend, I lost my master, and I lost the person I loved more than anything. So when he was back to his teasing self last night, back to the guy he used to be, and back to me...something just snapped and I bawled. I'm crying now for fuck sakes.
I think I've been holding that in a long time. He hasn't been himself in a long time. The last year, he has been an asshole.. or prick as he called himself. Believe me, this will be no surprise to him. There were moments where he was himself, but they were few and far between. And I'm glad that person is back. That's the person I fell for so long ago. That's the person I want to spend the rest of my life with. He told me that he doesn't know what I see in him after everything that happened. I see in him what I've always seen. It just disappeared for a while, but I knew it was still there. Trying to get out from under everything else that had buried it. I see the guy that goes out of his way to take his little cousin to a movie. I see the guy that protects the people he cares about. I see the guy that once you have trust and love he wears his heart on his sleeve. I see the guy that has been there for me since I was sixteen.. even on the first day we met. One of the first things he ever said to me were "Tell your new friend Cael what's wrong." I see the guy that went out of his way to put me back together after B tore me apart. I see the guy comforts me and makes me smile when I'm upset. I see the guy that makes me feel safe.
I see the guy that :
Enjoys my neurotic ways because he has his own.
Sends me comic book related texts half asleep.
Worked really hard for his job.
Is responsible, and put together.
Wants to move in with me, marry me, and have kids with me.
Goes out of his way even if he hates doing it to help his parents, and even their friends.
Watches TBBT and quotes it any chance he gets, but denied liking it just to bug me for months.
Is going to therapy and working on himself so he's okay.
Is working on us, and trying the hardest that I've ever seen him try.
I don't really think there is any way to say how proud I am of him for everything he's doing right now. Even less to tell him how much I appreciate it all. How much I value it all.
I jokingly told him today that I'd have to tie him to drag him down the aisle and he laughed. Then I said I didn't think I'd actually have to tie him, that he loved me too much. ... and he agreed. That? Means as much to me as him cutting out the other girls, getting help for himself, and telling me he loves me. That is what I want. That's what I've always wanted... and I think he's finally decided that's what he wants as well. And that? Is an invaluable thing to me. Him finally admitting it, even more so.
This? All of this is why I came back. It's why I love him, and it's why I plan to spend my life with him.
Sometimes you love somebody because of who they are, sometimes you love them in spite of it. For a year it was in spite of, now again, it's because of.