A New Post You Say?

Lack of posts? I don't see a lack of posts. However, SOME of you readers are pestering me for a new one... I wonder who it could be!

The reason I haven't updated was because I have been camping for almost a week. I got home last night. (No posts before was a lack of inspiration. It happens)  My family, Uncle, and Lady Di and I went up to the mountains. I absolutely love it there, it's calming and centering for me.  The week was spent by a lake, nestled in amongst pine trees, listening to chipmunks and squirrels running through the trees and watching them play under the trailer, drinking (all of which caught up to me last night. Holy fucking headache.), hilarity that usually befalls Lady Di, my mother and I, insanity that my uncle offers, and by the end of the trip everybody was a bitch. It turns out that playing Yahtzee and beating people entitles you to be called a bitch, who knew?

Going into the mountains is always good for me, I come out happier. I spend the whole time thinking about nothing, I don't soul search... it seems to find me. By the time I leave I always end up with a new outlook, or new views on something. It just happens. Space from things really does help. Or maybe it was the alcohol? We'll never really know!  The rest of the trip I'm keeping to myself because I have no desire to really share it.

As soon as I got home last night I unloaded my stuff ( just my mother and I came back, the other stayed for another night) and scooped up the dog. I literally had to carry her, she's a short little thing but gods is she solid. She has to be a good 60 pounds at least, and she isn't fat..just muscled and thick. I packed her into the bathroom, filled the tub and picked her up again to get her into it. She was filthy! The water was almost black by the time I was done scrubbing her. She played in the lake, and rolled in dirt, and run in amongst trees...she had fun and it showed. Once I scooped her out of the tub (wrapped in a towel like a baby. Places her front feet again the tub edge and waits to be wrapped up and lifted, she's kinda cute.) and dried her she took off running through the house.  During this running she managed to wake the cat up and alerted her that we were home, after which she spent an hour laying in my lap meowing at me.

I talked to Cael last night too, he was the only person I kinda missed this week. But then again, I can't remember the last time I went that long without talking to him so it was bound to happen. Chris also text me. He made me verrah happeh. He dumped his gf. Gone. Remember her? Yeah, it is a very good thing! Maybe now I'll actually get to talk to or see him.

After all of this, we decided we wanted chinese for supper and then I passed out. I was tired, I'm still tired and it's very smokey outside this morning so my allergies are kicking my ass, thus this post is done. I'll be back when I get inspired or my allergies clear up, whichever happens first.

7 Hours Down

Today, I am bored. So, so very bored. I am attempting to be good and not text Cael until he texts me because that's what he wanted but holy crap on a cracker. I've finished my parents anniversary present, cleaned the house, read, dumped my computer and got rid of all virus and not needed crap, attempted drawing a picture, watched a movie, played with my cat and watered my plants. I have run out of things to do and am officially bored. Normally when I get bored, or just randomly throughout the day I text Cael. I'm really starting to realize just how much I talked to him.  Now, if you'll go excuse me,I'm going to go count blades of grass :)

It's Over Now Right?

My night, has quite sucked and anybody I vent to has disappeared or is asleep so I'll vent here. If only to prove that my headache is justified.

1. I came to some realizations today about people that have really thrown a screw into everything. So much so that I have been upset all day because I know that there is no way to better complicate things than what has just happened. Of course the plus side to this is I cannot tell the person, of course that is also the downside because holding it in is a bitch.


2. At some point during the day I have acquired a headache that started right at the base of my neck and has spread out over to the left side and top of my head. It's a joy.


3. I managed to try removing a metal pan from the oven WITHOUT an ovenmit.


4. My grandfather is once again..or still, gods only know, cheating on my grandmother.


5. I have fought and probably lost to go camping in a campground...thus I will probably be camping in a berry patch... in bear country. Score. Record so far this summer for this spot of bears seen by my family whilst camping...is 5...in two days... one ate the candle, the other came over for bacon. Yes, let's camp there! The fuck!


6. The dog has taken to sleeping in my room....thus I have been sneezing all day because I am allergic to her.


7. Cael isn't speaking to me right now, he needs space. I'm honestly not certain why. But I know that it sucks. He's been more himself lately and I've enjoyed having him back, maybe I said something. I'm really not sure, all I can do is wait.


8. That guy I mentioned from fet a post or so back (We'll call him Jason, and no, I don't know why. ) and I were talking tonight and I ended up in tears. Not because he was pissing me off, but because he was pushing and picking at scabs that I'm not ready to let go of yet. I know that I'm a bit depressed and some of the things he thinks I should do are some of the things I'm shying away from right now and am literally scared to do. The things get talked about... I end up teary. There is really no other logic to it than that, that I can think of.


9. My ears are ringing.


10. My mood is bad enough today that it stormed, a huge storm and I was still pissy and upset. Enough so that I didn't even sit up to look out the window.


11. Bad day. Perhaps a book for bed? Or a drink HA!

*Shakes Head* I Have No Explanation For This

Me: You need to go out with kinkier people...things I say should not shock you!

Not Me: lmao

Me:  Seriously, kinkier *nods* If you lick them and they taste like vanilla throw them back



My advice and wisdom for the day apparently.

I Ache.

Lately I've been aching. A deep hurt in my chest that swells, clings, and almost suffocates. It's impossible to describe an ache this large. Trying to put into words what it feels like to have something inside of you broken and bleeding all the time, threatening to gush upwards out your eyes and mouth yet curls low in your stomach is a monumentous task. It threatens to burst my insides, yet contracts them at the same time. I feel trapped, compressed where I am. 10 pounds of potatoes in a 5 pound bag? It sounds cliché yet, it almost describes it.

I ache because of what B did. I ache to have a master. I ache to used until I'm crying and unable to function. I ache to have that closeness that only M/s can provide. I ache for the hard touches and the soft ones too. I ache to hear the words that mean the most to me.

All these aches and more reside inside myself, these are my aches, my pain. However, there is always something that adds to it. Somebody that you care about that adds to that ache, not on purpose, they wouldn't do that but because you care about them and they ache too. A bit of me aches for Sephi. I say only a bit because I know she will get her happy ever after :) but right now, I know how she feels. I know how horrible and almost hopeless she feels. I've felt that when B kept having to put off coming to see me, or coming home. A tiny part of you tightens like it's trying to cut off your breath. Every thought is for the other person, longing for them enough that it hurts. I get that and it hurts seeing her having to deal with that. Then there is Cael. Quite a bit of me aches for him. I've known him longer, and without going into detail, his situation isn't certain. What should be understood, isn't. I've listened to the way he talks about his gf, how happy he gets, how much  he's fallen for her. His relationship, reminded me a lot of B and I. The instant melding, everything feeling right and working out, until suddenly it's falling apart. Not knowing is what rips a person to shreds, keeps every fibre aching. There were days where it felt like I was trying to swallowing a bowling ball that had been lit on fire. There is no way to describe how deep something like that hurts a person. How deep it really cuts. It actually hurts me to see how upset he is, because play buddy or not he is my friend and I love him to death. He was there and listened to me rage, and cry and fall apart when B left. He was there when my insides spilled out, and was there helping put them all back in when I was ready. He knows I'll be there for him, but watching the process(on both accounts)... it's almost as bad as being the one going through it.

Email Questions

I received an email this morning from an amusing gal (I'm assuming female based on the name you left. If I'm wrong let me know.). After she finished making me laugh she left a few questions for me to answer on the blog to help my blogging mojo :) Considerate and helpful too!

1. What color are your eyes? (The picture was a tad fuzzy)
My eyes are a hazel-y colour. Sometimes more brown, sometimes more green.

2. What state do you live in?
I don't live in the U.S. I live in Canada.

3. Who is your favourite author?
Laurell K Hamilton, I just like her writing style.

4. What do you smell like?
Right now? A mix between my poppy perfume oil and "Oceanus" lotion.

5. Name two people of the opposite sex that you trust with anything and state why.
Chris because I've known him since we were 8 and as much as I enjoy the shock at some things I say he rarely ever freaks out.
Cael because I know no matter what I tell him he's either okay with it or has done it himself and he's a safe spot for me.

They're both protective, one more than the other but it's comforting and safe there.

6. What color is the sky in your world?
Most days it's purple, on occasion it's turns periwinkle.

7. Do you know any other languages?
I took french for a few years but not much of it stuck. When I was 4 - 12 I spent time with my aunts (not a blood relative) mother. They're Hungarian and she enjoyed teaching me some words. They come out on occasion when I'm not expecting it, like when I'm calling my cat or looking for my wooden spoons.

8. Assume you were getting married and you had to choose at least 4 bridesmaids right this second who would you choose?
Since most of my friends are guys if I ever do get married it's going to be a mixed party. Right now though? Hmm. Sephi, because her and I in the same place can only be awesome and I doubt her master would allow her to fly here once she's back over the puddle. Lori, because we spend quite a bit of time together and adding her to mine and Sephi's insanity can only be awesome. Cael for reasons previously stated, and Chris. They can wear dresses if they want but I wouldn't force it :)

9. What are you having for dinner tonight?
Tonight I'm having leftover stuffed shells because I don't want to cook tonight. I might add asparagus, I may not.

10. What are 4 things that attract you to a male?
Thick, bulky body. Personality. Sense of humor. Dominance. (And pretty eyes and intelligence. 4 just isn't enough!)

11. Do you like facial hair?
It really depends on how it looks on the guy. There are some people I don't like it on, and others that shave it off and I miss it.

12. Long hair or short hair?
On me? I'm contemplating growing it out again. It's about medium right now. On a guy? It depends. Some people it really doesn't look good on but in general I like it long.

Mish Mash

I'm still here! No, really. It's true. I seem to have lost my blogging mojo lately. Anything I think of either isn't long enough to make a post or nothing is happening. It is boring around here! However, since I have been gone a bit I will go over what has happened.

I declined the offer I had about playing with a girl. I tried talking to her some more and it turns out that she irritated me. That is really not conducive to sex. At least for me it isn't. I need something more than somebody just being hot. Hell, half the guys I've dated I have not found attractive what-so-ever until I've started to fall for them.

I has a tiny tomato growing on my one plants! Plus everything else is covered in flowers so with any luck I'll get some stuff out of this venture! My aunt actually brought over some fertilizer today. Sad thing is... I think the fertilizer is pretty. It's so many different colours. Shiny penny!

I went into town today with my mother and grandmother. All of our stomachs hurt, as do our cheeks. We amuse the hell out of one another. Not one of us thinks before we speak which tends to result in hilarity. For instance, my mother was smelling perfumes and using testers. Eventually she ran out of spots and stated such. A lady standing beside us told her to put it on her ankle and hike it up around her ear to smell it. My mother laughed and said if she could bend like that she wouldn't need the smell pretty stuff to begin with.

An update for Cael lovers, seeing as how we have some. (I've had people arrive at my blog by searching for "Cael bdsm" He has teh fans!) He has moved into his new place and didn't let me unpack his books! This could be fear of losing some. You always lose some on a move *nods* I even offered to let him frisk me :P

I've determined that in general Fetlife = Douche central. Seriously, if your comments to me have the words "Cum" and "Fetish" in ever sentence? Not likely that you will be well received. Though I have been talking to a guy from there for a few days now. He seems nice, has some fun fetishes (It's my blog I can say it as many times as I want!)  and would probably be fun to play with. I've however, had to decline any contact of that nature for various reasons that are both personal and previously mentioned on this blog so writing them again is pointless. (2nd slave, don't take well to it people!) Since I've been talking to him however, I have gotten in trouble. Well, not trouble. Put in my place perhaps? Which oddly enough has calmed me down quite a bit. Turns out I get a bit uppity when I'm masterless. I'm a bitch otherwise but apparently it gets worse :)

A week or so ago I got Edgar Allan Poe's book that has every single poem and story in it. I am excited to sit down and start reading some of it. It gives me happy wiggles. (SHH! You know who you are!)

I'm trying to get back into my drawing again. I've almost finished a drawing I started last night. Detailing, shading etc. is left. Seeing as how I almost let my OCD get the best of me with my pencils... I have several sets.... organizing them into grades is just mind-blowing. So, I set it aside and just started drawing. It's coming out Luis Royo-esque which is not a bad thing at all!

I think that's all for now, frozen yogurt is calling my name!