Sunday, August 8, 2010

I Ache.

Lately I've been aching. A deep hurt in my chest that swells, clings, and almost suffocates. It's impossible to describe an ache this large. Trying to put into words what it feels like to have something inside of you broken and bleeding all the time, threatening to gush upwards out your eyes and mouth yet curls low in your stomach is a monumentous task. It threatens to burst my insides, yet contracts them at the same time. I feel trapped, compressed where I am. 10 pounds of potatoes in a 5 pound bag? It sounds cliché yet, it almost describes it.

I ache because of what B did. I ache to have a master. I ache to used until I'm crying and unable to function. I ache to have that closeness that only M/s can provide. I ache for the hard touches and the soft ones too. I ache to hear the words that mean the most to me.

All these aches and more reside inside myself, these are my aches, my pain. However, there is always something that adds to it. Somebody that you care about that adds to that ache, not on purpose, they wouldn't do that but because you care about them and they ache too. A bit of me aches for Sephi. I say only a bit because I know she will get her happy ever after :) but right now, I know how she feels. I know how horrible and almost hopeless she feels. I've felt that when B kept having to put off coming to see me, or coming home. A tiny part of you tightens like it's trying to cut off your breath. Every thought is for the other person, longing for them enough that it hurts. I get that and it hurts seeing her having to deal with that. Then there is Cael. Quite a bit of me aches for him. I've known him longer, and without going into detail, his situation isn't certain. What should be understood, isn't. I've listened to the way he talks about his gf, how happy he gets, how much  he's fallen for her. His relationship, reminded me a lot of B and I. The instant melding, everything feeling right and working out, until suddenly it's falling apart. Not knowing is what rips a person to shreds, keeps every fibre aching. There were days where it felt like I was trying to swallowing a bowling ball that had been lit on fire. There is no way to describe how deep something like that hurts a person. How deep it really cuts. It actually hurts me to see how upset he is, because play buddy or not he is my friend and I love him to death. He was there and listened to me rage, and cry and fall apart when B left. He was there when my insides spilled out, and was there helping put them all back in when I was ready. He knows I'll be there for him, but watching the process(on both accounts)... it's almost as bad as being the one going through it.

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