Coconuts, fitting seeing as how lately I feel like a nut. Yes, this is actually new. My personality is askew, my thought process is ..unique, and I rarely think before I speak. This however, is not the type of nut I am talking about. I feel absolutely out of control.
There is a lot going on right now. Not all of them are good. Actually, very few of them are entirely good but I'll go into that in a moment. When everything else is going to hell I push, act out because I crave more dominance. To be put in my place, to know that no matter what else is happening I am controlled. A piece of structure, a smidgen of control even if it isn't in my hands. There are not enough words in the world to explain this feeling, no matter how it's explained... it's not suiting, it's not good enough. It's like being half crazed. But, how does one push, act out and beg for punishment, control, and pain when there is no master in sight? No matter how hard I push, how badly I act... nothing happens. Nobody puts me back in my place, there is no hand around my throat, no boot pressing me to the ground, no bruises upon my body. So what does one do when these things are craved, needed to make you feel safe? Well that I don't know. I function, I push through, I have little to say because what I do have to say comes out jumbled and unclear.
As far as what's going on? It's several things. The only good one is the Chris is single as I stated in a previous post. As of the 30th I'm back to taking schooling. This is a bad thing because I am absolutely sick of it. I'm months away from being done, so I'm almost there but fuck. The courses I have left are very large ones, very time-consuming, very taxing. It hasn't started yet and I'm already dreading it. I've had several people email me asking about Caels relationship status. (He has become poopular.) He is officially single. Though I missed him when he was dating, I am still counting this as a bad because I know he's hurt, and I can't say I'm a fan of that.
The last two "Bads" are definitely the worst. My uncle, who lives across the country has months, possibly weeks or days to live. In the last week he's had 2 heart attacks. Before that there were several more and several other things. His liver is failing, it's not cleaning the toxins out of his body and as such his body is shutting down. Unless he is flown out to where most of his family is after he dies, I will not be going to the funeral. I have nothing to do but to sit and wait, helpless doesn't even begin to describe. Adding another helpless to this list! I have a ...we'll call him cousin (no blood relation but I call his mother my aunt and he was one of the first people to see me when I was born so that's what we're going with.) who is also very sick. He has preleukemia. He also has small strokes, or heart attacks. They both mean a lot to me, they both probably don't have much longer to live.
Drops upon drops of bad things. Would being owned help? I don't know. I know I would feel calmer, safer, and afterall...when you can't change things that is really all that is left.
This post wasn't meant to be dark, wasn't mean to be a complaint. These things are bad, but they make me wonder if I would be dealing better if I was owned and had that core, that peace that it brings me. It seems likely.
Btw, if you read that title and don't have that song stuck in your head now...I'm not sure we can be friends anymore :)
*Hums* big ones smalls ones some as big as your head!