Tonight

Tonight I am many things. First, I am bored. So very bored. I generally talk to Cael at night, however he is at a friends dirtying (aka birthday of legal drinking age, not that that's all they're doing to him. I'd almost feel sorry if I wasn't jealous. Seriously...he gets to go see strippers... I want to go... the only person I know that goes to those clubs is Chris and he thinks I'd embarrass him somehow. Shocking isn't it?).  Since I can't talk to him, and Sephi has a bed time now (cackles at her expense!) I have been filling my night up with random shit. This has gone swimmingly except I can't seem to get some thoughts out of my head.

Dirty ones. ...I can almost hear the disbelief (This is the part where Sephi cackles at me.)

Tonight has been full of longing, craving, and almost a body shakingly undeniable need.

What are those needs you ask?

1. A master. I crave the control, I thrive on the control, I feel safe with the control.

2. A hand gripping my hair tightly, pulling it. For months now I have been noticing that I am actually running my fingers through my hair and pulling it or actually gathering it up in my hand and squeezing. I find it calming. Oh rabbit hole, I always knew I'd find you!

3. A hand at my throat. My hand is not large enough. It's just not, no matter how hard I try to stretch it to wrap around my throat right...can't do it. It's not even so much choking...just a hand at my throat, resting on my neck. It's calming, it makes me happy. Though I do quite enjoy how right behind my jaw gets sore when it's been grabbed a bunch.

4. Bruises....I poke at them trying to keep them longer. I miss them.

5. The tiny aches. Whether its like I described in #3 or something else...tiny aches and pains that remind you of being used and touched for days later. I smile every time I feel one of those aches. I want some more.

6. Teeth in my skin. Gods how I crave that! In the middle of sex I don't feel it...not at all. I see it but it's kind of an out of body experience... I see it happening and think "That should hurt" but it never does. It mixes into the sex so well and the bruises are always spectacularly purple. I also miss just being bitten unexpectedly and crying out... it's a release.

7. Being pinned down or trapped against something by the body of the person I'd call master. Sometimes I struggle, sometimes it's like it just brings a blanket of peace and calm and I just let it happen and relish it while it does.

8. Fighting. Not verbally, but physically. Trying to prevent something from happening and knowing that it's going to anyways. Physically exhausting myself trying to stop it and then being pinned down for it.

9. The calm that follows being spanked, bitten, pinned, etc.

10. Having somebody that I can fight with everything I have...and knowing they're stronger than I am. I may scream and cry and hate it at the time... but after...after I love it, I relive it, I hold on to it.

11. Safety. Not physical though that is in there... I mean emotional...mental. Knowing I can say absolutely anything, be myself entirely...every flaw and ditzy moment of me. Knowing I can show the side of me that makes most people think I'm insane because I can talk to myself or make myself laugh. Turns out I can crack me the fuck up. Knowing that I can be as dark as I want and it's not going to scare the person away or frighten them. Knowing I can make mistakes, we can fight and scream and sometimes hate ( because you can't have love without hate sometimes) and that it's okay, and not the end. Safety of knowing that no matter, it can be worked out.

12. Insanity. I NEED somebody that is off center or think of me as normal... because if they do they clearly are not either. I need somebody that functions either like I do or can function with the way I do.

13. Cuddles. Must love cuddles. I long for cuddles.

14. I have been craving giving a blow job all fucking day.  I read this.  I linked to this blog a while ago, to a post this girls master wrote I believe. I seriously need to stop reading this blog. I end up in a submissive puddle every time she meets with him and then writes about it! Anyways, I read the post. Thus started the craving. Then I cleaned my email out....where I found several pictures and one not so much a picture of Cael. It's not his face guys. You should all honestly be jealous because holy fuck. It's a perfect suck me cock...it really is and it is burned into my brain. I'm not even going to tell you about length...and width..oh the width. Yeah, I need to move on or this will be the end of my post haha.

15. (I CAN STILL SEE IT!)

16. Random smacks on the ass. Seriously... they make my world go round and I really have no reason for this.

17. Random gropes... they make me happy and feel wanted. Fucked up thought process... I got it!

18. Snoring. Yeah, seriously. It's an oddly calming thing sleeping next to somebody that snores (not gonna lie... I totally do it when I'm plugged up.Damn allergies!) for me. Maybe because I know they're there *shrugs* My dog snoring is just not the same. Cute, but not the same.

I think those are all for now. I have emails to...peruse *Cackles!*