Thursday, February 2, 2012


I have a family member that's overseas, fighting. I've been thinking a lot about it lately. Not him specifically, not the reasons that he's there either. I've been thinking about what he told me last time he came home.

You don't stop and think in the middle of a war zone. You fight, you move forward and gain ground. You act, and keep it together so you and as many people as possible make it out to the other side.

Why am I thinking about this? Because the last year and a little bit has been a war zone. There are very few people that I tell absolutely everything too, in fact I think that the only person I really do tell everything to is Cael. But there are close seconds for a few people. They've told me they think that I'm a strong person for going through everything and still remain functioning. Can you really be a strong person if you never really stop and look around at the carnage? 

I'm not saying I haven't stumbled over a blown off limb, or tripped and set off a bomb. I totally have. There have been explosions. I have paused and cried for a few minutes before patching myself back up and pushing forward. Other times I haven't pushed forward so much as just maintained my ground, not giving any of it up. The last year has had everything from almost losing Cael several times. Both when he was trying to sort himself out and then again when he had an accident and needed invasive brain surgery. I went for weeks where I didn't know if he was alive or dead. Then somebody finally answered his phone and just made things worse. On top of that for Cael things, he had another surgery a while back, some stomach problems, broken bones and then the usual arguments that such that relationships tend to bring. I've had to adjust to having to share him until I can either get up there on a regular basis or move, and some days that still hurts. I don't like sharing him, and he knows that. He's also had some really bad bouts with other issues that I haven't mentioned on here that have taken him away for months at a time, sometimes putting him in the hospital. Then there's been struggling with my weight, and my eating disorders and a multitude of family issues, some I've mentioned, some I haven't.

It hasn't been an easy year. I'm ready to stop fighting, but I haven't. You don't stop in the middle of a war zone. Sometimes you can't save everything or everybody. For the most part I stepped over bodies and moved forward to help Cael, to make sure he and I got through it. I don't regret that at all. Not one bit. He's where I want to be. I'm ready to move. To be with him and have him to myself. I'm ready to stop being thrown into the battles of everybody else. I know there will be people that I cut myself off from when I move, and I'm ready for that. It can't be done now because they're too close. When I move I will have 5 hours between us, have somebody to put above them more so than I do now. He still comes first but they still are able to worm in. Those little worm holes get closed when I move.

I plan to go up and see Cael for a while in March. It may be a fairly long visit, and I can feel it already. Feel that when I leave and come back here may not feel like home anymore. And I'm okay with that. I'm ready for it. Ready to go home, done with the war.

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