You know, the last 9 months have been hell. The last month in particular. The breakup has absolutely fucking sucked. It's hurt, a lot. I go between being upset and not giving a fuck/being angry. But even more of them time I'm just.. okay. I am. I am really okay without him. Which is something I never thought I'd say or even realize, let alone this soon. Or quite honestly, sooner. It was days after it happened that it first surfaced. For a while I thought I was in denial.. but I'm not. I've had something trigger me that would have caused the melt down if it was coming. I've had several things actually. The biggest one made me cry a bit... but even that faded and is water under the bridge now. So, I'm okay.
Now it's a matter of piecing myself back together. Over the last few months I let a lot of things slide. Both in the relationship and just with myself. I love reading... I haven't bought myself a book in over a year that wasn't review related. I pretty much stopped cooking. I stopped spending money on myself. I literally scraped by with as little as I could with the mindset of "I'll wait to buy that when we move in together," "He'd enjoy that too, I'll wait to get it," "He doesn't really like that so I can't have it." Which, in a Mhy/s relationship to an extent makes sense. But quite honestly, the truth is he swallowed me alive. And again, while that is good in M/s it can also go too far, or be really, really bad when the relationship ends. I got lucky.. I had months to prepare me for this. I'm naturally a very strong person.. I've had to be. But, I lost myself in him. Even now I'm still trying to sort out what I like vs what he does. I loved corsets. LOVED them. Now I'm looking at them wondering if that was me or him. That is just one example in amidst hundreds.
Lately though, I've been doing things for myself. Even just silly things. For instance I ordered a shimmer filled lotion from EdenFantasys just because it makes me feel good. I have my eye on several other pampering products from them as well. Because I'm worth it, and I'm going to take care of myself, and spoil myself. I also recently got a commission check from them. (Btw guys, thank you for going and ordering products, it's really helping me out.) Normally I'd put the money in the bank and save it. Tuck it away just in case. This time? I wasn't expecting the check and I plan on taking that surprise money and going and buying myself a nice set of sheets. Why sheets? Because I want silk ones.. or bamboo ones, and yes that may mean waiting for another check ..or even another five. I am spending it on a luxury that I normally don't spend more than $20 on. Again, because I Am worth it and why the fuck should I wait to get these things? There is no reason. I am reason enough to splurge now and then. I am reason enough to go buy that insanely priced luxury sex toy that I've been eying for months. I am reason enough to do all of these things.