Thursday, February 16, 2012

What Doesn't Kill You Makes A Fighter

So, to make a very long, messy, horrible story short; Cael and I are finished.

As for what happened I'm not going to go into that for numerous reasons. I've removed him from almost all venues we talked in or he inhabited. Phone, computer, most sites. I've also removed him from auto updates from the blog. If he chooses to sign back up that is totally fine and his choice. I just know I did what I had to do, again for various reasons.

As far as how I am.. that's a loaded question. It's been about a week since everything exploded. The first night I cried... I cried hard. I cried hard enough I literally made myself sick. That night I also talked to Karson (Sephi's fiance/master for those that don't recall) and he helped a lot actually. I went from convulsions to just silent tears. The next day I was numb, and cried that night. The third day was the same. Since then.. I've been doing alright. Now, whether that's because the last 9 months have unintentionally prepared me for this so I could handle it, or if I'm in complete denial and anything at any minute could set me off and shatter me entirely is still up for debate. I myself don't know. I do not know if I'm okay. I don't know how I'm doing. I'm functioning. I smile, and laugh when it feels natural. I'm not forcing anything. I'm doing okay as far as most things go. I'm doing amazingly considering I thought I'd shrivel up and die. Like I said, possibly denial. That's not to say this isn't hard.. because it is. It so is. I still pick up my phone to text him. I still eat and think "I have to include this in the email." I'm currently remodeling the basement and every good idea I have I think "I have to tell him about that." I miss talking to him. I miss him. I do. I lost my master, my boyfriend and my best friend since I was 16.

But I think I'm healing some of the hurt that's happened the last few months as well so parts of me are coming back into themselves. I've spent the last week just doing things for myself. Bathes, taking the time to really take care of my curly hair not just wash and go, I'm wearing my birth ring every day because it makes me happy, I'm watching terrible shows and listening to shitty music because I want to. I'm going out, doing things... I'm just.. doing for me. And it's helping. But it's not pleasant. It. Just. Is.

P.S. Sephi is going to design a new background for the blog. I'm rebuilding my life from the ground up, myself, the house, and now the blog.

I also just want to say thank you to everybody that's emailed me over the past week wondering if I was okay. It helped.

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