Thursday, May 26, 2011

Hiatus Rescinded Part II

After I wrote my post last night I had a few emails flow in. By "Flow" I mean they were in my inbox about 5 minutes after I hit "post." I'm so well liked :D

So thanks for that.

Several of them were supportive, glad you're back emails. Some of them were emails with questions. (And as always, as you've asked I do delete them right after I read them if I'm asked and won't respond via email if specified. I suspect it's just in-case I keel over right after reading an email nobody will know the lovely pervy people I have sending me stuff :) )

I got an email from a guy just wanting to check in and make sure I was okay.

I am. I really, really am. I'm more content with everything than I was when I left. That includes TTWTA, Cael in general, all of my issues... everything. I've found a level ground with a lot of stuff. I've always been happy with Cael but I think he's finally hammered some of the stuff he's been trying to get me to see into my head enough that I'm seeing it and believing it and I'm a lot happier because of it. It may not have come across in the last post because it was a catch-all type post but I'm doing very well.

I was also asked the reasoning for the new "Rule Column."

The reasoning for that is simple. Over the last few months I've not accepted comments because they were rude, or mean, or tried picking apart my lifestyle. Same thing has happened with the email account. I got tired of it. So, I put up the rules as fair warning to everybody that I'm done being nice about a lot of this stuff. Most people are good and don't need the warning. Others seem to.

There was a question about my being absent from messengers and facebook (My Serene sub accounts).

First, I've been told that my serensub account for messenger isn't showing me as online...even when I am. So, there is a good chance I've been on when you are and it's just not showing me. If it's not, try finding me in your offline contacts... sometimes if I'm on it lets the messages go through and I'll answer you if I'm there.

Second, I routinely forget that I have a facebook account for Serene. In fact I have somebody that has added me right now... and every time I log into my vanilla account I mean to switch over and accept the friend request.. and I forget. There are very few people on the account, so maybe that's why. I don't talk to people there unless they message me so it rarely crosses my mind. (Goes to accept request while I'm thinking about it) (Done!)

Third, I haven't even been on my vanilla accounts much lately. When I took a hiatus from the blog I also took one from other accounts in the end. I really did focus on Cael. For the first while I was still on facebook and twitter and fetlife and commenting on other blogs. Then the long weekend hit and I was busy the whole time. That was also around the time(a few days before) that Cael started getting back to himself more. .. as that happened I focused even more of my attention there. Quite happily. Now... that's just a constant state. I go to bed when he does, I wake up when he does, I spend my day doing things that he would expect instead of sitting around on the computer like I used to. I'm now cleaning everyday, and getting dressed most days instead of having PJ days. I'm going into town more than I used to. I'm getting some exercise by going into town looking at cars..walking lots, shopping. When I'm not in town I'm cooking, or cleaning, or reading, or doing school work. I'm focusing else where. Cael is the center of it... and is the drive for me doing other things. I know he wouldn't want me sitting around all day like I used to so I'm not. I'm being productive. Or trying. I play on the computer as I walk past it in my room. I may be on it for a total of an hour a day lately, where as before it was several hours. It was always in my lap. Which isn't helpful to me in any way. And I've realized that.

I'm still blogging, still around on other accounts... just not as much. The computer is a time suck for me because of all the people I talk to on it... I get on here and suddenly it's 4 hours later and I'm still in my pajamas. I'm sure there are days where It'll happen again but it hasn't yet.

I am sorry for those of you who have not had me around to pester (Sephi!) but I'm focusing on Cael.. and what he'd prefer I did. Which most days does not include sitting on my ass for days on end doing nothing. If that's something you do... that's great if it works for you. It isn't working for me right now. So, I'm changing it.

"Is anything new?"


Well, Cael has had me install skype on my computer and give him complete access. Which means he can turn on my webcam at any point in time and see me. Which was scary at first but I've adjusted. He hasn't done a surprise visit yet but I have no doubt that it's coming. And that I'll be nervous the first time or two but it'll recede. We've already used it once, he looks fucking gorgeous in a suit btw. Oh my gods.

He's instituted new rules about me telling him where I am every time I leave the house. He did so without ever saying anything. Brain washing at it's best.

I realized that the root of my issues,  with my weight, with not understanding that I mean so much to Cael, and every other one I have may be because I don't feel I'm worth it. So that's something I'm working on and trying to correct. Because if Cael thinks I'm worth it then I must be, thus I'm trying to see that and accept it.

Along with being more content, I've become more submissive and comfortable in that place. I'm feeling like I have a place again. I've always known that my place was at Caels side, taking orders but since he's been more himself and around more lately I've been feeling more in place than I have for months.

I seem to have taken on a bit of a different attitude towards a lot of things lately. I've gotten rid of or lessened influences that I've realized aren't helpful to me. I got a little muddled listening to other people for a while instead of myself and I'm not sure why. But I've corrected it. Both with little things and big. Part of that is not spending hours on the computer a day. The other part of that is re-embracing my submission and following Cael like I feel is right... not how others tell me to. Because in the end I know what is right for us. He knows what is right for us. ..that's the end of the list.

I've dyed my hair red. Though it is fairly faded now, it's still red. It was bright red when I first did. A week or so in and it's not frightening anymore.

AND!! My first post on Eden Cafe got put up!

I think that about catches everybody up. :) Now, I'm off to shower and start prep on my supper.

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