Red Light

I'm not sure what to say today. I've been like that for the last couple days actually. I fucked up. "I made a mistake" or "I'm in trouble" do not even begin to cover this one. I fucked up.

I don't have an excuse for what I did. Not one that matters or makes a difference anyways. Because in the end? It still happened. I still made the choice intentionally or not to not share with him when I should have .

He's not mad. Or Angry. He's full-out pissed.

To the point I was about one comment away from being released and told not to speak to him again.

To say I was a mess is the biggest understatement of the year. I was standing when everything came to a head. It hit me so hard my legs buckled and I ended up in a bawling heap on the floor trying to explain. Which I've learned doesn't matter. It doesn't matter why I did what I did. It doesn't matter that I forgot or didn't connect the dots in time. It doesn't matter. What matters is it happened. I should have shut my mouth and listened. I should have gone to bed the first time he told me to. I should have stopped poking. Why didn't I? Fear makes you do stupid shit. It really does.

I knew as soon as he got mad just how bad this was. I knew it fell into the category of lieing to him. Intentional or not, that's where it sits. I know how much he abhors lies no matter the reasoning or how you got there. It doesn't matter. I KNOW that. Honestly, I'm the same way and yet.. it caught me completely off guard.

I've never had that side of him directed at me before. I knew it could be but not to that extent. I know now. And there is nothing in the world that could make me go back there. Ever.

I know how unbelievably lucky I am that I am still owned right now. That I'm still part of his life. I've seen him cut people out of his life for less. I've cut people out for less. I have a long damn road ahead me to get this back where it should be. I've damaged that trust, and there's nothing I can do to fix it but listen, and be an open book. I thought I was before but last night I realized I wasn't. I was still hiding things I was ashamed of, and I have no reason to.

Right now we're speaking... but not like we used to. I know it'll take time to get back to that. In the meantime though? It hurts. I'm not on the inside anymore. I'm back to the place where everybody else is and I have to work my way back in. Maybe I'm not fully out... I don't know. Regardless I have a lot of work to do to get that trust back. I'm on pause, stalled until then.

I seen how close I came to losing him. He pulled my whole world down around me and now I have to build it back up, one board, brick and nail at a time. Knowing that he was ready to walk... that I almost lost everything that means anything to me.. it's terrifying. It's shown me that no matter what it is I'm not wanting to tell him, the reasoning I don't want to say it will ALWAYS be outweighed by the consequences. It's not worth it. Ever.

I know that trust is damaged and there is nothing in the world I can say to fix it. I have to keep sending my reports, doing my exercises. I need to prove to him that I mean everything I'm saying. No amount of tears will prove that though I've shed more than a few. I don't think my eyes have been dry for more than half an hour since Thursday night. I've cried so much that I have a permanent headache.

He is what I want. He's where I Want to be. He is the center of my shattered world. He says we'll work past it, it'll just take time. I'm thankful for that. so thankful, but until we do...or until we get back to some semblance of normal for us..it just.. I have no words for it. I really don't. Unless you've been in a relationship like this, unless you've come this close to losing the person that means more to you that anybody, that you value above yourself, that you luff more than anybody or anything in the world... it's not explainable.

I'm sorry Master. For everything, more than I'll ever be able to tell you.