Tuesday, April 17, 2012

Day 2

Day 2 as in the second day I'm at Caels alone while he's at work. I've been here since Saturday actually. I've lost my point.

So, it is the second day of being here by myself and I realized something. When we have a kid (Which according to him there will be at least two and he gets to name them. I on the other hand have decided he is never naming anything we ever have be it a child or a pet. One of us will win out.. I wonder who it will be -.- ) and said kid goes off to school, if I stay home.. we are going to need a pet.

At home I walk around all day talking to myself, making myself laugh. I find me hilarious. Here? Here if I do it I'm just the crazy lady on the top floor. The difference? Pets. They clearly make talking to yourself okay. You don't need medication for that. You need a dog. Because technically.. they listen. Even the right cat will listen. Mine does. She follows me around the house meowing back as I talk. That is a helpful cat! The dog generally doesn't say much unless I piss her off then I get murmurs. She does however arch her eyebrows and tilt her head as I talk so she is listening. Therefore it is okay.

I think we can conclude that I kind of miss my animals. However, that is going to be nothing compared to the amount I'm going to miss being around Cael. I like my cuddles. A lot. I'm also going to miss the snoring. I haven't had one sleepless night here. I do at home all the time. I'll lay in my bed until 3 or 4 in the morning some days trying to sleep. I quite honestly don't think I've seen 11pm here. Maybe I feel more comfortable..safer..happier.. I don't know. For all I know it could be the snoring and just knowing that he's there in which case I'm fucked. Which is nicely ironic considering I haven't been.

I did some cleaning yesterday. I'm trying not to overstep anything so I just did the floors and dishes. I know he's not used to having a gf up here, I'm trying to let him adjust to me. Shadup Sephi, it can be done!  On that same note I'm trying to let him come to me for things when he's ready for them, not wanting to push him. I take cuddles when I want them but that's it. It's not the easiest thing but I understand it. I want the hugs and the kisses and the random touches, I want them a lot. But I know they'll come when he's ready. I just have to wait, and take comfort in the cuddles that I do get, and when runs his fingers along my arm when we are cuddling, and the odd time that he reaches for me or sits beside me and moves his arm so that I can cuddle up to him even if he doesn't start it, and when he says he loves me.. even if he does choke half way through the sentence :) I'm finding other ways to be content, seeing other pieces of him that come up/out and let me know he's happy I'm here. For instance he chuckles at me a lot, so if nothing else I'm amusement. The first morning I was here, I hadn't really touched him yet. So, he touched me... he does want the attention and the touch and that helps. Listening to him get excited over stuff helps too. Books, movies, cooking.. it's fucking adorable. I love it. I smile and laugh when he does it and it's not because I find it funny or silly. I just can't help it. I came up here expecting him to be...him and he is. I was just not expecting to find as much cute as I have.

As far as comfort level.. it's pretty high up there. I didn't do my usual hide behind make up thing that I tend to do. In fact I haven't worn it since I've been here. It's in my bag, just haven't done it. I'm not hiding in my clothes, at all. I normally hide in my zip up or hoodie. I forgot my hoodie and only wore the zip up when we went out because it was cold. I still have a few shy moments and am still fairly quiet. But that will wear off. As will the "Holy shit" stun I had when I curled up to him the first time. His legs and arms? Yeah. They're hard.. like solid muscle hard. Like.. my smartass ran and hid for a little bit because holy shit I'm never going to win anything. It's slowly coming back on but my brat has found a hiding spot I still haven't found. I had no doubt it will return.. it is me after all, but yeah. Sigh. Never gonna win. Which btw, he is totally okay with. Shocking isn't it?

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