I'm going to ramble.. in abstract. I need to ramble about what happened with Cael, but I'm still not ready or wanting to post about what happened.. so I am rambling in abstract. Feel free to skip this post.
I, am not over it. At all. I can understand why it happened. Logically, I get it. But that doesn't make it any easier to swallow. Normally, we might have been on some kind of mend by now but we aren't.. because we can barely talk. His phone isn't working properly so we're reduced to emails. I haven't gotten an email since Thursday night. This isn't helping it. I understand that he gets busy, but it still isn't helping it. That gouge in me, in us.. it needs fixed. It needs repaired. It needs attention and love and reassurance and planning so that it doesn't happen again. It's not the kind of gouge that repairs easily. It's the kind that kicks the shit out of the trust that we had just started rebuilding. It's the kind that makes me scared for us. It's the kind that makes me want to nail his foot to the floor so we can talk and make for damn sure this doesn't happen again, but it can be prevented if we put effort into it. It's the kind that when he told me, quite honestly made me question if I was staying, the kind that made me want to rip his face off and castrate him with a dull butter knife. While that anger has dissipated, the hurt hasn't. The fear hasn't. This is why I want him here, to not only work it out but to start fixing it so it doesn't happen again. And, to start fixing me because I am not okay. I need some time put in to be okay. Some reassurance.. and a couple guarantees. Just him around.
I'm ending this here because I accidentally deleted the entire thing once already and had to get help from a friend to get it back. Don't need to do it again.