...I don't care.

I sat and had a talk with my mom today. I think things finally got to the point where we were both wondering where the hell I went. Generally when things start screwing with my head, I'm pissed off, sad...whatever the case is..I function. I function very well. I thrive on anger very well. I am more focused and driven when I'm angry or hurt. I want to spite the person and thrive despite of them. I get a hell of a lot more work done when I'm angry becuase I move faster, think faster, just function above a normal level. This hasn't been happening. Why I'm not sure but it's starting to and it's feeling much better.

This doesn't mean that I'm not worried or my head isn't a mess with everything that's going on. But, I've come to a conclusion... What the fuck gives him the right or the power to disrupt my whole life, make me shy away from things just because he's absent? As far as I'm concerned... nothing. And until he shows up, takes charge and beats the attitude out of me, it is the way I intend to function. I've functioned this way for years and I'm no longer giving him the power to take that away. I'll still check in with him but I"ll be damned if I'm going to sit and mope or think about it all day like I have been. If he wants the attitude changed he's going to damn well have to make time for me and come do it himself.